Sadie

It's been awhile since I posted.........things have been going well and I have reached a personal low of 196 Lbs.  I had a back injury and layed off the gym for 6 weeks.  I did continue to swim and started swimming with hand paddles to help build my upper body strength and increase my speed in the pool.  I do feel like a machine in the water........I'm in my element and it feels like home.  Funny to say but the water keeps me grounded!

But this posting isn't about me.............it's about my dear sweet mother Sadie~

Today was a rather difficult day for me emotionally.  So I thought that it might help to share some memories of my mother Sadie who I lost on Jan 28th 2008.............I miss her so much, but especially  around the holidays.
I celebrated every one with her, in case it would be the last one, I didn't want to miss any because I knew the day would come when she wouldn't be here with me.  She deserves to be remembered today and everyday!
Today would have been Sadie's 94th birthday.  She was with me for 91 of them.  Many more than the doctors told her she'd have.  But they didn't know Sadie.  She was the quintessential Jewish mother!  She was a great cook and made all the traditional recipes.  Naturally, in the big debate, I still insist that my mother made the best stuffed cabbage ever!  She was after all the daughter of a Kosher caterer in Coney Island!

She was one of 7 children and having gone through the depression and WWII she had seen her share of hard times. She was a bit of a rebel for her time, although she would not think so.  But at a time when girls stayed home until they were married, Sadie moved into an apartment with another nurse, who would always be known as aunt Dorothea, so they could live closer to the hospital.  It must have taken a lot of cojones to stand up to my grandfather and tell him she was moving out, even though she was in her late 20's, very old not to be married in those days.  And my grandfather wasn't happy with her choice to be a nurse, because back then, nursing wasn't as respected a profession as it is now.  And if you talk to some nurses, they might tell you it hasn't changed all that much.
But my mother was always a care giver, it was in her blood.  She cared for her own brother when he got Pneumonia and cared for him until he died.
I am immensely grateful that I had her as a mother, because when I became ill, I couldn't have had a better person taking care of me and watching out for me, after all, I was only 3.  It was a bit of a drag having a nurse as a mother, because when I got Rheumatic Fever, since she was an RN, the doctor had her give me the Penicillin by injection instead of orally..........lucky me.  I was black and blue on both side of my butt........we alternated everyday.   But considering I was such a mess medically, when I was a kid, I am very fortunate to have had her.  Many of the children in the hospital where I was were left there, or got visitors only occasionally.
Sadie was there everyday for a year and a half, taking 4 buses each way to get to me because the hospital was on the other side of Brooklyn.  She missed one day in all that time because she was too sick to come and I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I had my first melt down at 4 years old..........I wanted my mommy!  They tried to explain to me she'd come the next day, but it was no consolation to me.  Funny how things stay with you.  I could have easily been institutionalized and left there, but that was never going to happen to a child of Sadie's.  I drew on this strength and example of unconditional Love when it was my turn to take care of her.  It was my time to return the favor........to care for her with the same Love and devotion that she showed me so many years before.
She had more than earned having her last years stress free and feeling unconditionally Loved!  She called me her Guardian Angel, that meant more to me than anything else in my life and I am so grateful to have been able to be that for her and give her such peace of mind.  Anyhow, this is about her.

She was set up with my father on a date by a family friend and she thought it would be funny to go out with a Mockie right off the boat.  My father had just come to this country after surviving the Holocaust.  He spoke no English and they spoke Yiddish on their date.  He turned out to be the Love of her life and the only man she ever loved or was with.  She married him shortly after they met and my brother came along 11 months later, and at 34, my mother was considered very old to have her first child.  I came along 2 years and 3 months later...........the start of so many problems, if they only knew.  My father worked in a sweat shop as a presser doing piece work, he got paid for every garment he pressed.  It was tough work working under less terrible conditions.  My parents spent their last savings to buy my wheel chair........not something they had ever imagined needing.

My dad died when I was 13 and after just 16 years of marriage, Sadie lost her only Love, despite attempts at CPR.  My dad had a massive coronary and was gone in minutes, right before our eyes.  That's another night I will never forget as long as I live.  Sadie was left with 2 teenage sons, and after having not worked in 16 years, she had to give up nursing because of a heart condition, she now had to go back to work to support her sons.
My dad had no life insurance, there was a one time payment from the German government for war reparations, my father had been suing the Germans through a German attorney he had.  When he died my mom couldn't read the letters which were in German and she ended up settling for a lot less than he would have gotten had he lived.  But she needed what she could get to survive.  We lived in the projects, and survivor benefits from Social Security were not enough to get by on.  She went on food stamps and Medicaid and we got by.  She got a job as a school aide so she could be around when me and my brother got out of school.  She got a job as a camp nurse at camps for rich kids so that my brother and I  could go to camp for the whole summer.  She put us both through college and we got to pursue our dreams.  Everything was about her 2 sons.
Which is why she deserved so much better than she got from my brother in the final years of her life.  He didn't show up on her death bed!  I carried so much anger about that and did as much as I could to make her feel so Loved, that she wouldn't feel bad that her oldest son didn't care.
But he had made her a grandma so he had lots of get out of jail free cards.

Six months after my father died, my mother's mother died.........it was a devastating time for Sadie, to lose her husband and mother in 6 months.
She never waivered.........she is the strongest woman I have ever known.
I am in awe of how she stepped up in the face of so much heartache and never complained, never made my brother or I feel insecure or worried about the future.  Sadie did that!  She was a selfless woman..............

Before I go any further, lest I give the impression that she was perfect, Saint Sadie, she could be a big pain in the ass and she was stubborn and wanted things done her way............I am a better cook than she was, and it was an exercise in patience trying to cook in her kitchen.  You would have thought that I didn't know anything.  She was very opinionated and I think in some way always needed someone to be mad at.  She didn't speak to her sister for 17 years and neither one remembered why.  When they finally made up, they were best friends.

Sadie was the mother who volunteered to go on all the class trips in elementary school.  Looking back I was lucky to have a mother who took such active participation in my growing up, but then, as a kid, you didn't really want your mom there, because if you misbehaved, there she was.
It was the 50's/60's and my mother cooked dinner every night.  We were expected to be at the table and never ate until my father got home from work.  We'd sit at the window and watch for him to get off the bus.  It was a much more innocent time back then and the beginning of the end of the traditional family unit as we knew it.  I went away alone for the first time after high school at 18.  I grew my first moustache, which Sadie informed me better be gone when I got home.  I managed to keep it and that was my first time really defying Sadie.  She cried when she found out I smoked pot, I was high and my mother was crying, what a bummer.  She had rules and I was just learning how to break them.  She threw me out at 22 and helped me move and decorate my new place.  But it was her house, her rules!  Sadie was a competent woman who could do a little plumbing, carpentry, painting, she took care of business.  She was very talented with her hands and could knit and crochet, needlepoints, anything like that, she was the Queen!  She could knit a baby sweater and hat in under 2 days.  I have a number of afghans in my house all made by her as do a few friends who were lucky enough to get them as gifts from me.  They are treasured keepsakes to all who have them.  In her later years you would be hard pressed to see her without some knitting needles in her hand.  If she was in front of the TV, she needed something to do with her hands.   She used to knit for fancy Madison Ave. boutiques, they'd give her the yarn and instructions and she'd make the sweater.  They'd pay her $75 and sell them for over $500............she was a prolific knitter.  The last thing she was making, was a pair of socks for me...........there is only a small swatch done, but I have still it on the needles as she left it before she died.  It is in the memory box I have on my wall as a tribute to her.  There is one for my dad right next to it.  They are the first thing you see as you enter my apt, it is important to me to keep their memories alive. 

Sadie loved cruises and went on quite a few, by herself.  She was fearless!   When she got too sick to go alone, she tried to get me to go with her.........I was a grown man, I didn't want to go with my mother, what fun would that be.  So she's in intensive care, the doctors tell me to get her affairs in order, this is probably it!  So I hold my mother's hand and tell her, you get better, and I'll take you on that cruise, a promise I'm sure I will never have to keep.  Well..........don't you know, 6 weeks later, she's home..........planning the cruise!  Oh dear lord, how did I get myself into this.  We went on a cruise that left from NY so I was able to get her electric wheelchair on the ship, so I didn't have to push her everywhere.  I was able to stay up late and play a piano and drink Remy Martin, which was very cheap on the ship and I always drew an audience so there were plenty of free drinks......a nice perk of being a musician.  Sadie was able to get up early and get around the ship on her own.  It was a very liberating feeling for her since she had home care aides with her all the time and missed her independence.  I could sleep late and we'd meet up later.  She was able to come and go as she pleased.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and it made Sadie sooo happy.  I am glad I was able to do that for her.   On one formal night, we had our picture taken, she looked great and I was in my tux.  It is a wonderful picture that hangs over my piano.  I am so glad I took her on that cruise just for that picture.  She looked so happy.......it's a moment I can hold onto forever.

So I hope you have some sense of who Sadie was..........how can you put 91 years of an amazing life in a few paragraphs.  She loved helping people, was a natural born care giver, which is where I get it from.  She was a mother who made choo-choo train cakes for birthdays and made many of her own clothes from remnants and patterns my father brought home from work.  She knew her way around a sewing machine and it was a rude awakening, when she got too old to do my tailoring and I found out how expensive tailors are.  I always just brought it to Sadie!  She was a fiercely devoted wife and mother who travelled to different relatives to care for them if they became very ill.  She cared for her sister-in-law when she got brain cancer and allowed her to die with some dignity at home by her unselfish care, treating her like a sister.  She moved in with her nephew when his wife had quintuplets.  She did love taking care of babies.  She Loved her grand daughter and being a grandma.  I didn't always see eye to eye with her, but I respected her always.  In the last 10 years that I cared for her, we developed a very deep bond.  She had dragged me to doctors and hospitals for years as a child, and now I was dragging her..........we were a team!
What a reversal of roles.........I became the parent in the end.  But it was a natural circle of life and I honored her by caring for her with kindness, respect, admiration and all the Love I had to give.  She was a big personality in a small body, and has left a hole in my life that will never be filled.  I am so fortunate to have had her as my mother.  I am the man I am today to a great extent because of her and how she brought me up.
I got to really know her in those final years because each big hospital stay was potentially the last, so I took the time to really talk to her and ask all the questions I could think to ask her, because once she was gone, all the answers would be as well.  She cheated death for many years to the amazement of all her doctors........but they didn't know my mother!  I always said that the grim reaper better come with reinforcements when he came for Sadie, because she was going kicking and screaming into the hereafter.
She fought death for weeks, but it was inevitable.  She died peacefully in my arms.  I had been by her bedside for all that time and went home to shower and feed the boys, hoping she wouldn't die while I was gone.  I believe she waited for me because she passed shortly after I returned.  After all we had been through together, it was only fitting that I be with her at the end.  She died peacefully in my arms, I had just finished telling her it was OK to let go...............I watched as her breaths got shallower and slower, then there was no more, I waited to see just one more, but she was gone.  I sat with her for a long time, not wanting to leave her, knowing I'd never see her again.  Never touch her cheek or hold her hand.
I had prepared myself for that moment so many times before, there were so many almosts, 600 days in the hospital, over 60 emergency room visits.
I was there for every one of them!  That was one of the worst days of my life.  I was relieved that my mother was at peace, but she had been my purpose for 10  years, what was I going to do now!  But I'm Sadie's son, so I picked myself up and transformed my life.  Because that's what she would have done!
Happy Birthday Sadie...........I know you are celebrating with daddy and your family.  I take great comfort in knowing this..........I know you are watching out for me and I couldn't have a better Guardian Angel.  I wish you could have seen me this thin, but I know you have!  I could feel you smiling, and saying, you have such a nice face, if you'd only shave that beard now.  I still reach for the phone to call her when I have good or bad news.

I wish everyone could have known her, she was a wonderful woman and the best mother I could have ever had.  And in the end, we even became good friends!  I am truly Blessed!  I miss her so!

Much To Tell............

I haven't posted in awhile and I have many things on my mind I'd like to share.  First, let me start by saying that I feel amazing!  I am settling into my new body and starting to feel like it's really me.

So, I am the emergency contact for a friend with MS.  She fell and needed some staples in her head, so I was called.  I went to the emergency room with her and visited the next couple of days.  I was almost immediately transported back to taking care of my mom.  Like a switch was turned on, I went into caregiver mode.  I am glad I can be there for my friend and able to use a skill set that I have and am very good at.  The point here, is that when I went to the hospital, I started wanting chocolate and when I left, thought about going home and eating something comforting and maybe not so good for me.  I didn't............but I was a little shocked to see how it affected me.  Every time I went to my mom in the hospital, I needed some chocolate to get me through............and serious comfort afterward.  I did not succumb to old behavior patterns.  Instead, I ate something healthy and went for a swim.  But some old triggers are still there beneath the surface.  I just need to be aware of them and not allow them to rule my choices. 

This past weekend, I went down to Hollywood, Florida to see my oldest and dearest friend.  He has been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and things have taken a turn for the worse.  I thought I was going down to say goodbye, but he was doing better than I had anticipated.  I understand things change quickly, but he was good for the weekend and I was able to get him out to have some fun.  The weekend was so much more than I could have ever imagined, it was profound and filled with lessons for me and messages from the Universe.

It started on the flight down, I was sitting next to a lovely young lady from India who was a practicing Buddhist who chants.  She was going to a convention of other Buddhists.  We discussed Buddhism and philosophy and it was a delightful flight down because of her company.  I used to chant almost 30 years ago and still have my Gohonzon.  I have been entertaining starting chanting again, and I took this as a possible sign from the Universe that I should!  She has invited me to a meeting so I will pursue the possibilities of adding this to my spiritual practice.  The entire weekend seemed to just unfold before me...........I rented a Mustang convertible and the weather could not have been more perfect and I have the sunburn to prove it!  I drove with the top down the whole time I was there.  When I got to my friends house we went to dinner with some other friends I grew up with, some that I hadn't seen in 40 years.  It was a wonderful evening!  I had a room steps from the beach and I sat on the beach at midnight watching the stars and listening to the songs of the sea.  I haven't been out of NYC in years and I can't believe how much I needed it and how much it did for me.  I felt so relaxed when I was there and planned on taking it back to NY, which is what I did.

So I took my friend for a ride in my convertible, classic rock blasting from a great sound system, and it felt like 30 years ago, cruising around with my buddy........same music as back then.  It's been that long since I got to hang out with my friend and an interesting thing happened.  When we were together, I became in touch with a part of me that I was back then because of the dynamic of our relationship.  I like this part of me and was happy to reconnect with it.  I realized that it is something that I want to keep as part of who I am and it really came out now that we were together again.  Rather than looking at the weekend as a goodbye, we had a great time.  We had lunch on the intercoastal, sitting in the sun, having a great meal and watching the boats go by.  I was expecting to have a sad weekend and leave with an emptiness, but instead, we made new memories that will endure.  If this was the last time we are togther, then I will always remember that our last time together was fun, just like the old days.  But I realize that I need to get out of the city every now and then, so I will make time to visit again and not make this trip the final time we will see each other.

Some of my friends, one in particular was trying to talk me into moving down...........I had an amazing weekend and it was certainly food for though.  I've lived in NYC all my life and there are better ways to live out there with easier lifestyles.  I'm not ready to move yet, but it is something I am giving some very serious thought.  Perhaps the Universe is telling me that it's time to start thinking about where I want to live next.
Or maybe I'll just let the Universe guide me to my next stop.

I hit the beach first thing when I woke up everyday and the last thing I did at night.  In the morning for my tan and at night for the insight.  Sitting on the beach at night was so insightful.  The sound of the waves on the shoreline spoke to me, the stars gave me their wisdom.  I had not anticipated getting so much out of this weekend and I realize that I was meant to go for my own benefit.  Funny how things work out like that.  Because of my new perspective on life, I was able to give my friend some very positive energy and insight that he really appreciated.  We always had a certain way together and my energy was a gift for him and a portal to many fond memories of growing up.  We had done the great American road trip in 1978, driving cross country in his MGB/GT.  Camping out most of the way, Pacific coast highway, Grand Canyon, so many places, and having the time of our lives.  When you're with friends you know so long, who knew you before you became who you are now, with no pretenses, there is a certain natural acceptance and it is easy to be real with those friends.  So it was such a nice weekend to be among old friends that it made me feel very whole and in touch with who I am. 

I hadn't been to the beach in 25 years.  I never liked the sun on my body when I was heavy.  I hated the heat and since I hated my body, I didn't want to feel the sun on it........I was way too self conscious.  Feeling the sun baking my body now felt soooo good.  I actually for the first time, felt like I was thin.  I could feel the heat on my body and my presence in the chair and I felt like, wow..........this is all there is of me.  And it felt great!
Not to mention the fact that everyone couldn't stop telling me how good I looked.  It almost got embarrassing, but I Love it!  

I got so much insight into myself this weekend that I never imagined would happen.  Much of the lessons I learned affirm the path I am on in my life.  Getting away into a different environment made such a big difference in me.  I was able to put things in a different perspective.  I came home feeling more whole and more me than before.  I see my life unfolding before me in a beautiful way.  I have faith and trust that the journey I am on is where I am supposed to be.  I keep marveling at how making a first step to lose some weight has turned into such a life transformation.  I continue to grow everyday and feel stronger both physically and spiritually.  I am in the best shape of my life and feel strong and grounded.  I am getting more comfortable in my own skin daily and am in a wonderful place in my life.  That doesn't mean everything is going perfectly, it just means that I have the personal tools necessary to navigate the uncertain waters that is my life.

What a whirlwind week it was...........but a very important week in terms of my personal growth.  I had something I needed to let go of and I think I have finally turned the corner on being able to do it.  I like who I am and who I am becoming.........what a beautiful place to be~

May you all Love yourselves deeply.............

Love & Light,
Marty

A Reality Check

So I ordered some clothes online since I need some new threads.  I got a couple of jean jackets, pea coat and a shirt.  All XL, what I thought I wear.
Everything was way too big........it all has to go back.  I wear a L now...........
I don't think I ever wore a plain L except maybe in jr high school.  I don't even know how to react to this.  Now that I have a new body, I don't want to hide it under baggy clothes.  I look in the mirror and don't think I look that thin, but I guess I'm smaller than I think. 

But my body is not where I want it to be yet, so it's not time to start getting lazy and resting on my laurels.  So..........today I took a 1hr. cardio blast class and right after that I took a 1hr. dance fusion class.  It kicked my ass!!!  But the trainers all told me I had good flexibility and was able to keep up with the class and so all the dance moves.  I didn't think I was doing that well.......but the positive reinforcement was nice and it did give me an idea of where I'm at in terms of my overall physical condition.  I was also the only guy in both classes.............they all thought I was so brave.  After the classes, I hit the pool and swam my obligatory 1 mile.  An almost 3 hour workout and although I was a little sore, I felt great.  I keep amazing myself at how much I can do and how much more I think I have in me.  The sky's the limit............I keep asking my body for a little more and it gives it to me.  I am in better shape and better condition than I have ever been in my life........period!  Who woulda thunk it?  At 57, I'm in the best shape of my life and getting better everyday!  And I will continue until I have the body I really want and am as healthy as I can possibly be.  And then, I'll just work hard to maintain it for the rest of my life.  All this and I do have a torn ACL in my right knee, arthritis in my left knee, and sciatica.  But I don't let any of it stop me from doing what I want to do, except maybe for running.  I avoid that!

I spoke to an old friend who has weight challenges!  She told me that my blog was very inspiring to her and she was using me as an example and a catalyst for her to take the first steps necessary for her own transformation.  She decided it was time to stop sitting on the sidelines and not living life, just observing..........a spectator.  She has decided to do what is necessary to start living her life again and doing the things that make her happy and fulfilled.  That's what it's all about..............reclaiming your life!  CHOOSE LIFE!!!!!  It's also far better than the alternatives!

So I need to actually go to the store and try on clothing so I know what size I really wear now..........maybe then I can go back to the internet bargains.  But I need to try things on.............it will be a reality check for sure.  A good one!!

If you are struggling with you weight, hang in there......don't give up!  Believe in yourself and that you are much stronger than you think you are.
If you put your mind to it, and want it badly enough, you can do it!!
I'd be happy to talk to anyone who needs advice or just a little encouragement.  Please feel free to email me and I will get back to you!

musecatnyc@gmail.com

Love and Light on your journeys.........
Marty

And so it goes..........

What a day I had................it was a very rough day emotionally!  The old Marty would have immediately drowned his feelings in a mountain of food.  I had no desire to eat anything...........I still find it strange that I have changed in this way!  Grateful, but I'm not sure what I did that brought this change about.  Oh yeah!  Like maybe Everything Marty!  I suppose that it could be a result of all the internal work I've done.  But it still surprises me!  Instead of eating myself into oblivion, I went to the pool and tore up the water.  I was not feeling strong physically today and I was going to blow the workout off.  But then, when the shit went down, all I wanted to do was hit the water.  I was still upset when I got home, but I was thinking more clearly!

So after this rather awful day............or I suppose I could put a different spin on it.  Today I faced some unpleasant realities that really shook me.  But it was a big wake up call to me!  I guess I must have needed it!  So the Universe kicked me in the ass, and I guess I should ultimately be grateful.  To face the truth and move on!  So it might sting for a minute, but I'll be fine and I won't do anything self destructive.

So as I was saying, after this enlightening day, I received a letter from a friend I had shared my story with.  She is in need of a lifestyle makeover and I was happy to share my experience with her.  She sent me the following letter:

"I have to tell you again how much our dinner conversation has reverberated with me since last weekend. Everything from the process/journey to starting w/ just one meal if I have to.

Time and time again this week I've heard your voice. Saw cookies and for a sec I said they're on sale, so its OK. Then I hear Marty say, "You can either make a good choice or a bad choice." Over and over again this week - its become my new mantra.

I'm beginning to feel that I can do this - one day at a time. And that its a total lifestyle change. So thank you again."

 

I was blown away that I had such an affect on my friend.  It brought home to me how important this blog might be.  If I just touch one or two people who decide to make a change in their lives because of my story, it was absolutely worth it!  I am truly humbled by this!  It came at the right time!

I have to say that I do seem to be becoming addicted to the gym and pool, but I don't know if that's a bad thing.  I suppose if it interferes with me getting things done, then it is, but if it just makes me stronger and healthier, maybe not such a bad thing!  Maybe I'm becoming addicted to the endorphins!  I can live with that!

So I am settling into my new lifestyle and figuring out what I need to do to maintain my current weight.  I am building lean muscle mass and displacing fat so that will have some impact on how things develop.  But I am very pleased with my progress and understand that it will take some time to build the body I want.   But it's the journey so bring it on!  

 

I am stacking weights, swimming 6-10 miles/week, taking some Yoga, mat Pilates, dance classes and a little spinning.  I'm trying to engage every part of my body and become intimate with how it moves.  It has been an amazing adventure as I find myself moving in ways that I never imagined myself moving.  I love exploring my own personal limits and seeing that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined.  I am a Magnificent Beast!

So I wish you all well on your personal journeys............

Love & Light,

Marty

A Story For Another Time

I briefly mentioned that I was handicapped as a child and didn't give too many details, citing it as a story for another time.  Well, this seems like an appropriate enough other time.  I was diagnosed with Polio and Perthes disease at a little over 3 years old.  I had already had 3 Polio shots and got the disease out of season.  Very unusual to be sure............I also had Perthes disease, which affects the hip bone.  The ball degenerates causing instability and pain.  It is a rare disease and nobody had both together so I was a very interesting subject for the doctors who came in what seemed like droves to examine me.  I didn't know what to make of it all, I was too young.  I spent over a year and a half in the hospital for chronic diseases.  Most kids there didn't get many visitors or too often.  The hospital was in a far out part of Brooklyn and when you're in long term, it's an institutional mentality.  Thank God for Sadie, my mother, the woman I took care of for 10 years, because of what she taught me in those early years.  Sadie missed one day of visiting me in all that time.  She was too sick to take the 4 buses each way it took to get there and home where she still had my father and brother to take care of.  Yes she was a Saint.  I had a meltdown at 4 years old the day she didn't come.  I remember that day as if it were yesterday.......it's still a little traumatic to think about and how vividly I remember it. 

This brings me to a point I'd like to make.  I always thought that I had no real emotional or psychological affects from my rather interesting childhood.  But in delving deep into my inner being as part of my life transformation, I have discovered that this is not completely the case.
I never liked being taken care of as a child and once I was able to take care of myself, I did.  I have never looked for women to take care of me in relationships, on the contrary, I have always been with women that I could take care of.  Which has led me into some very lopsided relationships.  I had never really considered the connection to my early years before.  When I took care of my mom, I didn't do it out of obligation but respect and gratitude for what she had done for me in such a Loving way.  She taught me how you're supposed to take care of a Loved one, and I did!  I paid her back for all those days in the hospital with interest.  I used to tell her that all the years she cared for me were like a savings account and now she got to cash it in when she needed it.  I am truly Blessed that I was able to be there for my mother to make her final years as stress free as possible and for her to know how much she was Loved.  I never ended a phone conversation or a personal visit without telling her I Loved her!
No matter what happened, I'd know that the last thing I told her was that I Loved her!  But I digress................
It was recently pointed out to me by a very smart friend who I had a relationship with years ago.  We were talking about how I was feeling a lot of separation anxiety due to the conclusion of a fairly long term project.  She pointed out to me that I had displayed a tendency toward separation anxiety in our relationship and I realized I had done it in other relationships as well.  I am very quick to forgive, because I am afraid of losing people.  She associated it with my mother leaving me every night in the hospital as I had to watch my mommy leave me everyday.  And I thought back to the one day she didn't show up and my meltdown.  What a revelation to realize after so many years that some of the behavior patterns that affected my relationships with women, were due to what I had gone through as a child in the hospital.  I also have to give some thought to what effect losing my father at 13 had in contributing to my separation anxiety issues.  I'm sure quite a bit.  Knowing this is an empowering thing, but now............what do I do with it to make some changes in my behavior moving forward.  It's a process as I uncover things about myself and then find ways to use that knowledge to improve myself and my life.  It's a journey...................

There is no medical reason why I have no physical abnormalities associated with my childhood diseases.  My parents were told I'd never walk properly, and probably not without some kind of assistance.  Why my legs are now perfectly equal and my foot size as well.  If you believe in miracles, then I had one.  If you don't, I had one anyhow!  I recently met the first person I've ever known who also had Perthes disease.   He recently had a hip replacement because even though the bone regenerates, it never comes back properly so most people who had it, have hip replacements by their 50's.  I have displayed no signs of hip problems to date.  It was interesting comparing notes on the type of hardware we wore as kids.  It was a huge, heavy and cumbersome brace we both wore.  I felt less alone!
I also know someone who had Polio as a child and he is suffering from Post Polio Syndrome, which I also have displayed no sings of.  For years after I was healed, I had trouble seeing other handicapped people, because I felt strange about why I was OK.  Why me?  I felt a little guilty!
I still have those feelings sometimes...........why me?  But why is not really important.  Only what I do to make the most out of the wonderful opportunities I have been Blessed with.

I remember going to visit my grandmother on Sundays, we'd take the bus to Coney Island where she lived.  We'd walk down a long block and across the street where my grandmother would be sitting on her porch.  I was always pushed in my wheelchair.  But I remember having a recurring dream as a child..........of walking down that block on my own 2 feet and crossing that street and running to hug my grandma.  It was a dream that did in fact become reality.  Did I manifest my own reality?  Did I cause my own healing?  Did I see a glimpse into the future?  I don't know if I'll ever have the answer to these questions, but it gives me food for contemplation as I realize the interconnectedness of everything in life.  And I wonder, if I healed myself before, can I do it again, with far less serious problems than before?  Perhaps in losing the weight, making the changes and writing this blog, I have begun to heal my life already!  Perhaps someone else decides to heal their own life because of what I write here.  I have been told that I would make a good energy healer.  The idea has always resonated with me and just maybe, I have been brought to this place in my life to pursue that path.  We shall see................

I appreciate the opportunity to share my story................as I've said before, what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds has turned into a life transformation, much deeper than I ever could have imagined.  And the journey has just begun...................

Blessed Be,
Marty

A Time To Reflect

I have basically settled into what is more or less the weight I think I will stay at.  I might go down to 190 to see what it's all about.  But I do feel comfortable at 200 and not to puny.  I think it's going to be more about what I do in the gym than anything else from here on out.  I need to build some lean muscle mass and get rid of the excess fat and hopefully tighten up the body.  I also want to be flexible and in good aerobic condition.  It's about getting in the best physical condition I possibly can for the rest of my life.  I deserve nothing less than the best I have to give and I expect nothing less than that from myself.  I can't tell myself I can't do something, I left that excuse behind 115 pounds ago.  I am actually enjoying pushing my physical limits and seeing how far I can go.  I've got a lot more in me than I ever thought I did, especially at my age.  I also have to say that I have had no cardiac symptoms in all of the time I have been working out.  I haven't taken a Nitro Glycerin in close to 2 years.  Actually I had one brief episode that took me to my doctor, it turned out to be an electrolyte imbalance, I started drinking Gatorade and that was the end of it.  When I decided to embark on this journey, I went to my cardiologist and told him I was going to lose 100 pounds and do a triathlon.  He told me if I passed a nuclear stress test, I had his blessings.
Well you know I passed that sucker and the rest is history.  I lost the weight and have been training for the triathlon but am shooting for something in 2011.  That will give me enough time to get into proper shape to make it respectable.  My knees are not good so running is still questionable but if I want it badly enough, I can walk the run segment.  We'll see.............There's always the swim around Manhattan.  Easier on the knees!  I tweaked my knee last week and it reminded me how unstable that torn ACL can be.  It likes to be treated gently!

I see my doctor on Monday and expect to cut out 1 or 2 more meds, leaving me down to only a couple.  I can live with that.........unless I find some effective natural alternatives that my MD agrees with.  Getting off as many meds as possible was always a primary goal in losing the weight.

It has been a time to reflect deeply within myself.........the Universe has given me an incredible opportunity to examine myself and make long lasting changes.  I have some things going on in my life that pose some interesting challenges to me.  My first instinct is to react in the way I usually would, but I'm not that person anymore.  Before, I would have stuffed my face and numbed the situation with food.  I no longer even have those desires.  I don't know what happened to the emotional eating that I suffered with all my life, but it's Gone, just gone!  So now that I'm not going to anesthetize myself with food, I can actually stay in the moment with my feelings and decide how I want to react.  My emotions tell me to react one way, but I am at a place where I don't need to react out of pain or fear, I can wait and meditate on things, I can decide what is the best way to react for me, the way that moves me forward in a positive way toward the person I want to be.  The choice is mine to make, what an empowering place to be............which means, that my happiness is all up to me.  But then who else should it be up to!  Ultimately, I am responsible for everything in my life, because it is up to me how I react to everything that happens.  That might mean letting go of some old behavior patterns that no longer serve me, and honestly, never did!  I do have to say, that I like the person I'm becoming.

I find myself being much more thoughtful about things lately, I don't know if that is such a good thing since I usually think too much to begin with.  But I hope that my thoughts are positive and flowing in a direction that leads me forward on my journey.  I have to say that I am in a period of personal growth the likes of which I have never experienced before in my life.  I feel very fortunate that I have gotten to this place.  I pray that I can continue to challenge myself to be the best I can and always just a little better than yesterday.  I do hope that some of you reading this will get as much out of it as I have gotten out of writing it.  I've gotten much more than I ever thought I would.  The inner changes happen slower than the outer ones.  But it has always been about the journey and not the destination.  The weight loss, while a short term goal, was only about the greater goal, a healthy and happy life, and so the journey continues.......................

I now find myself needing a whole new wardrobe, anyone have an uncle in the shmata business???  I could use a family discount!  Now that I've won, where's my cash and prizes?  Johnny, tell him what he's won!!!
He's won the right to live his life...........the biggest prize of all!

Love & Light,
Marty

More Thoughts

There's much on my mind today, to start, one of the little changes in my life that I enjoy, is being able to wrap the towel at the health club around my waist.  I used to need a beach towel..............it's funny how there are lots of little things like this that impact one's life. 

Where this started as an effort to lose weight, it has become a life transformation.  It's like decorating, once you do one thing, you gotta do the other and so on and on, until everything is new.  And that is how my journey has unfolded.  Once you make some changes and start examining yourself closely, it leads to finding more and more things that could use a little fixin' or a coat of paint.  The weight loss has become the easy part of the process.  Making deep internal change in who we are is a serious undertaking and requires you to take it slow and steady.  Like peeling back the layers of an onion.  I have been going through some personal challenges, and although I know it just needs me to change my perspective on the situation, I feel kinda stuck.  And I think to myself, if I had the willpower and internal strength to lose 115 pounds, why am I having trouble now?  I suppose that having taken control of my life, I want to control everything.  But I can't control what happens, only how I deal with it.  I at least am aware enough to know that it is something in me that I need to change to perceive things differently. It's one of those old patterns that want me to hang on to my hurt even though it isn't working for me.  I have to see things for what they are and accept that and learn from it.  I do recognize times of great pain or discomfort as golden opportunities to grow, if you can get out of your suffering long enough to see the light.   It's trying to show you what you need to know to overcome the situation.  It's not easy but it's necessary...............

I went to a Journey Dance event last night.........I have never been a dancer.  At 300 ponds I never felt good about moving my body around in front of people.  I was way too self conscious...............
I went to a Breathwork workshop a couple of months ago and part of the experience was dancing around to live drummers.  I watched as people danced around with reckless abandon.  I thought to myself........I just don't do this!  But then I thought, if you don't, what will you get out of it?  You get out, what you put in.  So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and do it!  I threw caution to the wind and let myself go!  It was an amazingly liberating experience that I decided I would do again.  So basically, everyone gets together, barefoot, usually in a Yoga or meditation studio and there is music and everyone follows the spirit to their dance.  Now that I have this new body, I want to discover what it can do, how it moves, feel its flow.
Understand it and connect with it in a way that I never did before.  I was never intimate with my old body, I hated it!  But this new body, I need to become intimate with it so that I can be intimate with someone else.  And also intimate with who I am becoming.  I still have not completely mastered my new body.  This may sound funny, but people who are really comfortable in their own skin use body language and their sexual energy to communicate.  I have not quite gotten the hang of that yet.........I'm working on it, but it is a process rather than a revelation.  I think I need to let my body do more of the talking and my mouth less.  It almost seems a little strange to reach my age and not have mastered this.  But then again, it was strange for me to learn so much about hospitals and illness when I was so young.  We all have our own curriculum in life, we learn what we need to based on our individual paths.  No 2 people are alike and so everyone learns what they're supposed to, when they're supposed to.  You can't measure your growth with anyone else's, it's not a race or a competition.

Some things that I thought would change when I lost the weight, because  I thought they just went along with being thin, I now realize are things that need to be changed from within.  So some of what I thought would change when I got thin, I now know are things about myself that I need to work on if I want to experience that change.  Growth is tough, but so worth it!

So I forge ahead.............on my journey!

Love & Light,
Marty

199........A Milestone

Today I hit the scales at 199............I have not seen that since I was 15 maybe.  It was a surreal feeling to see that number, even though I have been working towards it.  I'm not sure where my weight will end up, I'm toying with 190 just to see what it feels like, but I think I kinda like 200.  A good number and I don't want to get too small, I like feeling formidable.
But it is a milestone day for me as I have never been under 200 in my adult life!!!  WOW!

I thought I'd share a few more things that have changed since I lost the weight.  Someone asked me today if people treat me differently now that I've lost the weight.  Well, I think so, people aren't always that nice to fat people in general.  It is the one bastian of discrimination that seems to be acceptable in society.  I have found that people are a lot more willing to sit next to me on the bus.  Women smile at me more readily in the street.  I suppose that I smiled a lot less at 315............I wasn't a happy camper.
I have been hearing that I am an inspiration a lot lately.  Frankly, I'm flattered but it makes me a little uncomfortable at the same time.  I just did what I needed to do to save my own life.  But I guess there could have been an alternative ending where I didn't.  Maybe in some parallel universe, that's exactly what's happening now.  But by the grace of God I succeeded in my quest for health.  I do know how hard it is to get started, I tried for 25 years and couldn't really do it.  But here I am and I have!  So I share my story in the hope that it will resonate with someone else to do the same thing I did.  That will give a new purpose to my life and what a gift that will be.  I do hope some of my friends take my lead and take better care of themselves.  I have lost some friends in the last few years and I'd like to keep as many around as I can!  ;-)

I mentioned that I felt like I had lived in a self imposed prison, being so heavy, my suit of armor.  Well now that it's gone, I feel like a child, peering out from the corner, no more prison, seeing if it's safe to come out.  I have been friendlier to people in general, because I no longer feel so isolated, even among people.  I accept myself so I don't need acceptance from other's.  It's nice to have, but I don't Need it!   I have it for myself.  I find it much easier to talk to people I meet now that I am not hiding behind a wall of "protection".  Twas blind.........but now I see~

OK.............since tonight's post is about numbers, sort of, I'll share a couple more.  I started at 52 waist and 60 chest, 3-4XL shirts.  I am now a loose 34 waist and about a 42-44, jacket, down from 60.  I wear a L-XL shirt now.  I can shop anywhere I want!  I was talking with a trainer at the gym, who has done the same thing I have and we were comparing notes.
He became a personal trainer and changed his career path as a result of the weight loss and inner work.  It is a very powerful and empowering thing to go through.  I am in the midst of a time of personal growth the likes of which I have never experienced in my life.  I have such a wonderful opportunity to get so many things in my life right.  What a Blessing that is..............to truly examine who I am and change what I don't think works.  One day at a time............one foot in front of the other!

I wrote a new song last night.............it just poured out of my fingertips, complete in one playing.  I do feel that with the weight gone, I am more open emotionally and spiritually.  Perhaps that's why the Muse has returned to me.  I've made my life a fertile place for creativity.........that's my story and I'm sticking to it!  But the music has been flowing.  I just finished producing an album for a very talented singer/songwriter Maggie Moor, and I am in the process of finishing composing and producing a meditation CD based on the accupuncture meridians for Dr. Lisa Van Ostrand.  And of course, my album is under way and I couldn't be more delighted at how well it is starting out.

So I continue to grow and discover myself.............I've learned a lot!

I share my happiness with you............

Love & Light,
Marty

Observations

Creating this blog has caused me to examine my life in a way I hadn't anticipated.  Or maybe I did.............I am quite introspective to begin with.
In any event, there is so much that one goes through in losing the equivalent of another person in weight.  It is so much more than just the numbers and what you see on the outside.  Now that I am a normal sized person, many things are different.  Interestingly, one thing I miss, is my mass.  I was always a big boy, looked like a biker and people were intimidated by me.  I did some bouncing and security in my time, I easily looked the part.  I even got to play a biker in a Twisted Sister video.  So there was a certain sense of power when I walked into a room and people that didn't know me, would get nervous.  I kinda liked that........but now, I don't look very intimidating at all.  That's OK, I'm fine with the trade off, but to be honest, it is something that I miss.  Other than that, I Love the new me.  I can fit into a booth in a restaurant, don't need a seat belt extender, don't need to shop in the fat man's store, get in and out of cars with ease, walk flights of stairs and not need oxygen, I can go on and on.
Life is much easier carrying 115 pounds less everyday.

As a fat man, I was Marty the people pleaser.  Being very nice to people so they'd accept me and like me.  Now that I'm not that person, I have to decide whether many of my personality traits still work for me.  I suppose in accepting myself, there is less need for acceptance from others.  Except those people who are important to me.  So does that mean that I don't have to be nice to people anymore?  Well.........yes and no!  I don't have to because I need them to like me, but if I want to be nice to someone, I can.
I can certainly be more selective with whom I extend myself.  I seem to have a need to take care of people in my life.  I thought about where that comes from, I had just assumed that it came from being fat and wanting someone to Love me.  It was always in me, but much more so after 10 years of care giving, I had done it in my relationships........so was it just the fat man people pleaser thing?  I was surprised that a couple of close friends who have read my blog, commented that they didn't know I was handicapped when I was a child.  I guess I just assume everyone I know, knows.  But then again, it's really not something I talk about much.  I realize that I was taken care of for many, many years.  As a kid I hated it!
Not being able to do things for myself, or being able to do the things other kids could do.  I had a Jewish mother who was also an RN so I was kept under a very watchful eye.  I do find it hard to let people take care of me or do things for me, I think some of it might be because I rebelled once I could take care of myself.  Until now, I hadn't really given this any thought.  It does explain a lot to me.  This might be one of those times for some balance.  I need to learn to receive as well as give!  Things need to flow both ways............balance!

It's funny, having a whole new body is sort of like moving into a new home or completely renovating the old one.  You have to go through all your closets and all your stuff and decide what goes to the new place.
I have been doing the same thing internally, going through all my stuff, all the stuff that makes me who I am.  A lot of the stuff will stay, but there are things that do need to go.  I am grateful to be at this place in my life where I can reflect and purge.  I only need to take those things into this next phase of my life that I really need.  No room for excess baggage, I carried it long enough.  I'm traveling light from now on!  Each day I learn something new about myself or find connections that explain things I hadn't quite understood.  I have put nothing off limits, I examine everything and nothing is safe from the toss pile.  I lost the physical weight, why not lose the emotional baggage too.  What a perfect time to make a clean sweep of it all!  It would hardly be fair to spruce up the outside of the house and not do some work inside as well.

I have to say that I never did this kind of work on myself at other times that I've lost significant weight.  I do think it is a contributing factor in why I really believe in my heart that this is the last time.  I will NEVER be fat Marty again.  He is GONE!  But he left me to carry on!

So tonight, I found the perfect 90 minute workout!  30 minutes of spinning, 30 minutes of weights and a quick mile in the pool, 30 minutes.    I felt amazing!  If I don't do something physical everyday, I feel bad, not really bad, but not as good as when I do.  Incentive enough for me!

I do hope that some of you get something out of my experiences, I certainly have gotten a lot out of sharing my story and putting it in writing.  More than I had imagined!  I know of a couple of people who have started taking better care of themselves as a result of my success.  That makes me so happy.  A few of my friends are looking at me, the one everybody could count on to be the biggest in the group, and now I'm thinner than a lot of them.  It makes them realize that they need to do a little better for themselves.  I don't mind that!  I've become a poster boy for better health to many of my friends.  Cool!!!  A living reminder that anyone can do it!  If you want it! 

So these have been my thoughts for the evening..........

May you all be successful in all your endeavors................

Love & Light,
Marty

Music........

Music has always been a huge part of my life.  I have been playing since I'm 5, not being able to run and play, I played the piano.  I suppose maybe there was a reason I grew up as a handicapped child.  Imagine that!  I might never have played otherwise.........who knows?

During the time I was caring for my mom (Sadie) the music had left me.  I was still gigging, but not writing or playing music for my own enjoyment.
I was just empty inside and my one outlet was void!

In turning my life around, I also rediscovered the Muse!  Ah, the illusive Muse, and she graced me with 12 songs.  I would sit at the piano and think of her and my hands would just start playing, and before I knew it, a complete song had come out.  I was elated and then as if like having twins, another song started pouring from my finger tips, as if I were possessed.  I have never experienced anything like it in my life.  so from not having written anything in 15 years, I now have 12 really good, in my opinion, songs.  Enough for a new album, something that was way overdue in my life.  The Universe was right, I made the first move, with a little Divine intervention, and the Universe Blessed me.

I started producing tracks for 2 of the songs, "Return of the Muse" and "Not Just Another Pretty Face"  My dear old friend George Naha, did some beautiful guitar parts, Jeff Ganz played bass, a master as always, and On Pretty Face, Terry Brock sang the vocal.  A very special voice indeed!  And of course me on keys.  I'm glad these guys let me play with them.  I sat back and listened to the tracks and was blown away.  A feeling of peace came over me and I felt more whole than I have in a long time.  I forgot how much fun it was to hear your song come to life as the instruments are added and the music in your head fills the room.  I am still having trouble finding words to describe my feelings about it.  It was a profound moment and I am still floating on the experience.  I am overwhelmed with anticipation about recording the rest of these songs and producing my new album.  Marty's come home!  And lookin' none too shabby!

Blessings to you all,
Marty

Before and After

My Before and After pix...............

It Occurs To Me

The pool has been closed for maintenance for the past 2 weeks and to say I am jonesing for the water would be a huge understatement.  I have discovered spinning and the pretty machines in the gym and am quickly becoming a bit of a gym rat.  I suppose there are worse things that could happen to me.  I took a Pilates mat class and a Yoga class and really enjoyed them although they did kick my ass!  For all the miles I can swim and weight I can pump, I realized that I have a long way to go to real fitness as I watched the old lady on the mat next to me, breezing through the routines as I struggled.  I did have some trouble balancing on one foot and realized that I need to work on my core strength.  And metaphorically, as balance is important physically, it is also important in our lives in general. 

I have reached my weight goals and now have to figure out how to go from weight loss mode to maintenance mode.  How much do I work out to maintain and not become addicted to the gym so it becomes nothing more than substituting food for working out.  But is that a bad thing?  I suppose if it means swapping addictions, then it is.........but if I have really just changed my lifestyle and don't get too obsessive, then it's OK!  It's a matter of balance!

Which brings me to taking all this shit too seriously!  I have become aware, as I compose this blog, that for the past 18 months, I have taken my weight loss and new lifestyle very seriously.  And I suppose to accomplish what I set out to do, one probably has to.  However, now that I no longer have to lose over 100 pounds, what now?   I have to balance my spiritual work, with my physical work and nutrition and the music is essential and we all have lives to lead!  But I might have forgotten how to be lighthearted and just have fun!  I guess that is one of the casualties of 10 years of care giving and waiting for death, but that's no excuse anymore.  And now that I'm the new and improved Marty, it's time to lighten up and not take myself so damn seriously!  What have I been thinking?  How can anyone take this crazy life too seriously?

I think it's time to take my new body and new life and enjoy them!  Wasn't that the idea in the first place, to be healthy enough and feel good enough to embrace life and live it!  Yes it was!!!  And that is exactly what I intend to do..............find me some balance and start living the life I want!  I have had my share of death in my life, it seems to never be too far, I have some close friends who won't be winning their current battles,
and it will be time to say goodbye again.  Life is precious, and not to be wasted on pettiness and bullshit that rob us of our time and energy.  I carried my hurt and anger around until I could hardly carry it anymore.  Let it go!  Just let it go!  If I'm not happy or something is bothering me, it's probably something I'm holding onto that is keeping me from being what I want to be.  It's a little scary when you realize that you are the Captain of your ship............everything that happens, you have a choice in how you react to it.  I was a victim for too long, I choose never to be again!  This is my life and I own it!  Happiness is not a person, place or thing, it is a state of mind, a peace that emanates from deep within!  A stillness amidst the turmoil of the world.   Sounds good, right?  Well that's the goal.............the life I want.  Light hearted enlightenment!

I can't really imagine why anyone would really be interested in my story.
My friends are all so proud of me, but I kind of look at it as, I let myself get so terribly out of shape, so how much praise do I deserve for finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.  But now that I've done it, I guess it's easy to get a little cocky and forget how hard I struggled and failed and suffered trying to lose and not being able to for so many years.
It's only by the grace of God and a dear friend that I finally was able to save my life!  I probably had a little help from my parents who are Angels now.  How I wish they could see me now...........but I suppose they can!
I have written this blog in the sincere hope that my story might touch someone to do the same thing I have and start living the life you want and deserve!
What are you waiting for?

So I've lost 115 pounds and worked my ass off to do it!  Big deal!  La dee fuckin' da!  Hey Marty, don't take yourself so seriously!  Since you've lost all that weight, it should be easy for you to Lighten Up!!!

And so I shall.................except maybe when I'm blogging, cause that's some serious shit!

Along with the new body, I redisovered the music.  On the journey, I have written 12 new songs that I am recording tracks for tomorrow.  I finished my last album in 1996, the next one will be in 2011.  It's been way too long.  I thank the Muse with all my heart!  I feel whole in a way that I haven't in so many years, and in some ways, ever.  I am Blessed to be at this place in my life...........I take nothing for granted!   Everyday holds the potential for Miracles to happen in your life.  If you're mindful of them!


Love & Light,
Marty

More Musings

It has occurred to me that there is so much more to losing weight than merely getting thin.  You have to get to the core of why you were heavy in the first place and then do some serious inner work to insure that you don't fall back into the same old patterns.  It requires you to reprogram your inner computer and change the inner dialogue that permeates our thoughts.  It makes dieting look simple!  Unless you are willing to do the inner work along with the physical work, success will be much harder to achieve.

My inner picture of myself is not what I see in the mirror.  In my mind's eye, I still see the old me.  When I'm talking to someone, I think they are seeing fat Marty, still.  It seems to take a longer time for your brain's image of yourself to catch up to the image in the mirror.  I expected to be filled with self confidence once I was "thin".  That hasn't quite been the case.  It didn't just flow into me once the weight came off, it more like trickled into me as I become more comfortable in my own skin.  I have learned that self confidence and self esteem aren't perks of being thin, it's a strength that comes from within, not because of how you look, but who you are.  So there is much work still to do.  The weight loss was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of changing my life.  It was a necessary first step to becoming the person I strive to be and the first steps on a journey to me!  I continue to learn and grow everyday and am amazed at how far I've come and how far I still have to go. 

I should mention a little bit about health, since I haven't really touched much upon it and it is an integral part of why I did this in the first place.
While looking good was a motivating factor in losing weight, my health was a primary cause.  I have 5 cardiac stents, was on 14 meds, have bad knees, back pain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol........you get the drift.  I hated the meds, the side effects were robbing me of what little life I had.  I knew if I could lose the weight, I could get off most of the meds, ease the back pain and knee pain, and in general have more energy.  I felt like such an old man, barely able to walk to the corner because of the pain in my lower back.  I had no energy to do anything and didn't see anything but more of the same down the road. I thought, who will ever Love a fat guy with health problems and never wants to do anything, a real catch.  I felt worthless and unlovable!  Not much to look forward to.........death by corned beef sure was looking pretty good.  I felt like such a failure, knowing that I had the power to change things, and feeling so impotent to do anything or even really caring.  Because if I cared, I'd do something.........right?  But I couldn't, I was STUCK!

I am grateful that I no longer feel that way.............I am vital and alive and happy to be that way!  My health is better than it's been in 30 years!  I'm in better shape than I was in when I did the triathlon in 1984.  I continue to push my limits and challenge myself to be as strong and healthy as I possibly can.  Being physical has become a very important part of my life and daily routine.  I know it is a way of life for me moving forward.  I couldn't have imagined, in the depths of my self loathing, that I could feel as good as I do.  I'm amazed everyday at how good my body feels and what a positive direction my life is going in.  I no longer dwell on the negatives but show gratitude for the positives in my life.  I have my share of bad days and reminders of old patterns, rearing their ugly little heads from time to time.  I am better at recognizing them for what they are and not succumbing to them.  I instead, use them to grow and not allow myself to get sucked into their temptation.  I'm a work in progress..........I just hope to be a little better today, than I was yesterday.

I thought being over 300 pounds was like a big suit of armor, my protection from the outside world.  I suppose it was, because it isolated me from the world for sure.........protection, I don't think so!  I realize now that my suit of armor was a self imposed prison, that kept me from fully experiencing life.  From Living!  I was just dying slowly, not living at all! 
I face the world now, without any armor, no need for protection, because I am strong enough to handle whatever I might encounter.  Accomplishing my goal also has given me a new sense of personal strength, knowing that I have what it takes inside to do whatever I need to do!  I have weathered the storm by learning how to dance in the rain!

I found that some kind of spiritual practice, while not necessary, for me was an essential element in my transformation and success.  I have been studying the world's great religions and philosophers and seers, trying to glean those aspects from them that will form the basis for my own personal beliefs.  The core of them all appears to be Love!  To Love ourselves, to Love our fellow travelers who are all just trying to find their own meaning of life, to have gratitude for the many Blessings that we experience in our daily lives.  And after all, Love was what motivated me to take the first step to reclaiming my life!

So what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds, has turned into a lifestyle change and the decision to take a different path than the one I was on before.  I look forward with anticipation and wonder at where the road leads next~


Light & Blessings,
Marty

The Nitty Gritty

OK Marty, great! You were inspired!  Thrilling, but how the hell did you do it?

I have discovered in my years of dieting, that there are no secrets to it.
Diet and Exercise..............that's it!  I didn't join a pool or gym until recently.  I lost almost all of my weight working out at home.  I have a Nordic Track, that I don't use for a clothes rack.  A resistance chair, (a chair with some resistance bands attached) some free weights and a mat.  I started doing 10 minutes on the Nordic Track and then dying!  But I did it everyday!  As I felt stronger, I added time and started using the resistance chair.  I constantly increased time, reps, resistance and hit the floor for crunches!!!  I took no more than 2 days a month off, not always recommended but I was doing mostly cardio and abs and I needed the consistency to keep me honest.  When I started, I had back pain so bad that I couldn't walk to the corner..........gradually, my back started feeling better and better.  It's almost OK now but I still get some Sciatica from time to time.  It just doesn't stop me these days and I no longer complain about it.  If you can, walking is great.  I did have my goals set on a Triathlon and was training for it, but music required more of my time so the Triathlon is on hold.  But there is next year and I need something to keep me honest and new goals to reach!  I am swimming 1-2 miles a day and I just discovered the gym.  They've got lots of fun machines for me to sculpt all my problem areas and I believe I can whip this old body into pretty serious shape in time.  I do think my knee surgeon was right about running, but we'll see down the road.  If I had to pick one thing to do, it would be swimming, hands down!  But then I am a little Pisces fish at home in the water!


As far as diet goes..........I eat fruits and vegetables, whole grains, a little fish, no meat or chicken, unless it's an occasion and there's nothing else.
In the beginning, I ate high volume, low calorie foods that would fill me up so I wasn't so hungry.  Giant salads did it for me.............and lots of fruit.

I have found that my body prefers healthy, lighter and more wholesome foods and doesn't need the heavy flavors I once did.  I enjoy the natural taste of foods much more.  I try to take my time when I eat and savour the experience, being mindful of what I am eating and how it makes me feel.  I also eat slower and chew longer............I used to eat so fast that my brain didn't have time to tell my stomach it was full until I was stuffed!  I read labels and try and put the best fuel into my body that I can.   I have friends that run their cars on premium and then go eat at McDonald's.

I now view myself as the steward of my body, responsible for it's care and maintenance.  That requires making sure it runs in tip top order!
Perhaps this is one of the reasons I have been able to change my relationship with food.  Pleasure has become, how good I now feel!  What a concept!  I'm sure a lot of people will look at how I eat and think it's very boring, I feed my body from the bounties of the earth and feel that eating whole and raw foods makes me more mindful of my connection to the earth and the Universe.  OK maybe a little hippy dippy, but I am from the Woodstock generation after all!  And all I know is that it works for me.  I'm not against eating something that I wouldn't normally eat, I just have a little and I'm happy.


I still have 1 little cookie at night, my guilt pleasure, but only one!  I make it a cookie with no junk in it.  I have given up most other sugar except the natural kind like in fruit, which I love.
While I worked really hard at accomplishing this, I can't say that I suffered through it at all.  In some ways it was very easy, I just set my mind to it and did it!  Just like that!  Even when I hit a plateau, I knew that I just needed to keep on keeping on!  I had faith that if I did my part, everything else would fall into place.  Now that I've reached my weight goals, nothing much will change, I am living a new lifestyle now that I intend to embrace for the next 40 years.  I am little by little, becoming the person I wish to be inside and out!  I am truly Blessed!

Blessings & Light,
Marty

Further Thoughts

As I read through my previous posts, it gave me some time to reflect.
I didn't include many details about my life as they are not necessarily pertinent to my life as a fat man.  Those of us who have weight problems, all have our own stories.  Why we got fat in the first place or why we neglected to take control sooner is a personal saga and we have all had our share of hard times.  I do believe that those of us who have loved food a little too much, have failed to Love ourselves enough.  Having been there, I think that the weight is a symptom of a greater systemic emotional problem.  We all know about the happy fat guy, it's a myth, he's hurting inside.  I'm not sure if you can really Love yourself and allow yourself to become unhealthy as a direct result of you own actions.  If I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, how could I really like myself?  If I couldn't Love myself, how could anybody else?  I tried making peace with my weight but couldn't.  Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who didn't care enough to take better care of themself.  I knew I wasn't being kind to myself, I just couldn't stop.   I had no hope that tomorrow would be a brighter day.  I suppose there was a little glimmer of hope in me, because for as many times as I thought about surgery, I had this little ray of hope that I had it in me to do, and that one day, if I didn't die first, I would get my shit together to do it!

My mother's death was a life changing event..........I was destroyed, and I was free at the same time!  I had prayed for that sweet release so many times, for both of us, knowing what it meant for me.  I had poured my heart and soul into taking care of my mother and making sure that in her final years, she felt Loved and cared for in a way that gave her great peace.  I know she hung on so long because she was living on my Love for her.  She called me her Guardian Angel!  Nothing in my life will be more important than that!!  That I could be that for her..............

When she passed, I was free...........but to do what?   My career was not happening, I hadn't written anything in years and had no inspiration to write.  I wanted to write a piece for my mother, but was still too close to it and was still empty musically.  I was fat, alone, unhealthy and not really looking to the future which I expected to be filled with illness and pain and why bother!  I believed that Love was something in my past that I would never feel again and I felt like a part of myself was MIA.   I was at an impasse with the Universe, who kept telling me that they would help me if I made the first move, and I kept insisting, that without any help, I wasn't making any attempts to help myself.  I had given up!

I mention this, because for those of you who find yourself in a similar place to where I was, I want you to not give up Hope!  Hope got me to where I am today!  What started out as the hope that someone would fall in Love with me, turned into the Hope that the rest of my life will be the most inspiring time of my life.  That the journey I embarked upon, by dropping 115 pounds is just the prelude to a wondrous adventure as my life unfolds before me.  I have taken control of my life and responsibility for my actions past and present.  I have proven that I am a Magnificent Beast and can do anything I set my mind to.  I believe in me!
Believe in yourself and you can move mountains.............
I'm just a boy from Brooklyn, taking life one day at a time.  Nothing special!  Unless I believe I am!  That makes all the difference.

The power of Love is an amazing force!  The fear of death didn't inspire me to change my life, Love did!

I wish you all well on your personal journeys through this crazy world we live in.  May you be Blessed in all you do~

The Epiphany

So my mom had passed in 2008............I was floundering, trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my broken life and how to start caring!  I was taking 14 medications/day for my medical problems and the side effects were killing me.  Lethargy, confusion, no ambition to do anything, it was a long list and I knew that the pills that were keeping me alive were robbing me of any quality of life I might have had.   So I was alive but didn't care, and worse, wished I wasn't!

So it's April of 2009 and I'm recording some friends who are performing in Harlem.  I invited a friend who is quite stunning, beautiful, tall, young and thin.  Everything I was not!  But she was just a friend!  3 women that night commented to me after my friend had left, that they thought there was something between us and we should be together.  I told them all they were blind and out of their minds.  But something was gnawing at me, why are they telling me this?  Is it a message from the Universe?  Should I be paying attention to this?    Then I started asking myself, why not you?  What would be so crazy about her developing feelings for me, I wasn't an ogre and actually a pretty decent human being, so why not me?
I thought, I can lose 100 pounds and do another Triathlon, and who knows what might transpire.  I was aware that the odds were stacked against me and that there was a better than even chance that romance would not blossom, but I had HOPE, and that's all it took!

So I woke up the next day and started eating only healthy foods and working out everyday.........slow at first but I was consistent.  I was on my way!  The weight started coming off, slowly but steadily!  Having lost weight before, I knew that if this change was going to be permanent, I had to do more than just lose the poundage, I needed to make some fundamental changes in myself to insure that I wouldn't slide back into my old habits.  I was 56 with my mom gone, no wife or kids, my career non-existent after 10 years of care giving, and my entire life ahead of me.
So I realized that I had to start Loving myself if I wanted to make the new changes permanent.  So I started reading self help books and meditating...........focusing on the positive aspects in my life and not dwelling on the negative and those things I had no control over.  It was an exciting time, having a blank canvas before me that represented my future, and knowing that I was the artist who could paint whatever I wanted my life to be.  It was all up to me............how scary and how empowering!  I had control over whether I was happy or not, I could decide how I wanted to react to life's challenges.  I was the architect of my life plan and it was up to me to make myself the best I was capable of being.  The woman who was my motivation was always an inspiration to me in trying to be my best.  I should say for those waiting for the happy ending, romance didn't blossom between us, and the deep and meaningful friendship I hoped for wasn't meant to be either.  I am Blessed to have known this person, but we served a purpose in each others' lives and that was all that was meant to be! I started out the weight loss because of Loving her, and ended up Loving myself in the process.  I believe that changing my internal program that told me I was worthless, and replacing it with a more loving message has made a huge difference in my life.

I have not binged once in 18 months or eaten anything that's not good for me.  I have discovered that life is all about choices we make.  Every time I sit down to eat, I have the option to choose something good for me which reflects my Love for my body and spirit, or to make a less wise choice.  If someone hurts my feelings, I have the option of being insulted or taking the situation as a lesson to learn and grow from.  I have been making much wiser choices in my life as a result of my new lifestyle.  I pray that I can continue on this journey of enlightenment and self awareness, living up to my true potential.

Diet and exercise are the key, and so important to anyone who wants to follow my lead, but making some fundamental changes in yourself as a person are essential to success in achieving your weight loss goals.  When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!  You have to start looking at yourself differently to allow the changes to take place.

The most important factor in my success, was that I was ready for a major change in my life.  I was unhappy, miserable, hated myself, unhealthy and ready for death or providence!  I'm glad I found the latter!
Be the change you want in your life..............I was hopeless but I found hope!

For those who might wonder...........yes I went through a few big plateaus where the scale didn't move for weeks no matter what I did or didn't do.
I didn't let them get me discouraged..........I told myself that if I just stuck with the program and stayed the course, everything would work out for me.  It has!  I have shocked a lot of people with my success, including myself.  I still can't believe that I have fundamentally changed my relationship with food, something that never happened in my many failed attempts in the past.  Food is no longer pleasure, it is nourishment for my body which I respect and take care of with the same Love and care I gave my mother.  I think Loving yourself is the key..............to everything!

I wish all of you who have challenges in life the insight and wisdom to find peace and the answers you need to live a mindful  and fulfilling life.
May you be Blessed with the same inspiration that helped me save my own life!  I am eternally grateful for you in my life............You know who you are~

I am available to anyone who would like some help or guidance in embarking on their own journey of transformation!  I hope my story inspires you to be your best!  Remember...........it's the journey, not the destination that counts.  I embrace change as the only real constant in life!  The Best Is Yet To Come~

Light & Blessings on your journey
Marty

A Little Background Information

At 3, I was diagnosed with Polio and Perthes Disease, a degenerative bone disease that effects the hip.  My right leg was significantly shorter than my left and my feet were 2 sizes different from each other.  By way of a Miracle, I have no side effects or any physical abnormalities associated with the conditions I had.  But that's a story for another time.  As as result of my inability to be active, since I spent a good portion of my childhood in the hospital and a wheelchair and braces, I became an overweight child.  A condition that followed me throughout most of my life.  And so the story begins..................

I lost my first 100 pounds at 20-21, determined not to turn 21 a fat man.
I was successful and although I ping ponged up and down, I maintained a reasonable weight throughout my 20's and became athletic for the first time in my life.  At 31 I did a Triathlon, as my rehab to a cocaine/freebase addiction I had developed. I went macrobiotic and started training!  It worked.................

After the Triathlon, I gained the weight back and stopped working out.
My weight continued to go up for the next 25 years until my peak at 315. When I was 44 in 1997, I had a heart attack.............caused by bad habits and family history!  It was the worst experience of my life and I almost didn't survive.  I spent 2 weeks in intensive care having had a procedure to correct 3 blockages of 95-98% and emergency vascular surgery to remove a blood clot that had developed.  I was a mess.............

You would think that after an experience like that, I would do something to get my life under control.  I did lose a few pounds but it quickly came back.  Shortly after my Cardiac event as it was called........or as someone pointed out to me, my heart attacked me, I guess I wasn't being too nice to it, my mom became ill, which started 10 years of caring for her and neglecting myself. So with each passing year, I watched my weight continue to go up, wondering what it would take to start taking care of myself and worse, not really caring!   My doctor would tell me "Marty, if you don't lose weight, you're going to DIE!"  I told him that food was pleasure and with no other pleasure in my life, I wasn't about to give up the only pleasure I had.  I was such a foolish boy!!! 

I hated the me I saw in the mirror and would ask myself, "2 weeks in intensive care and look at you, what's it going to take, Marty!"  If death won't scare you into action, then what?  I almost viewed death as a better alternative to the life I was living.  I had it all planned out............
when I had had enough of this life, I was going off my meds and hitting Katz's Deli and Ray's Pizza for one hell of a binge.  I called it Death by Corned Beef!  I told all my friends about my plan and had such a rational argument for it, nobody challenged me on it.  Looking back, I wish someone had smacked me and told me I was out of my fucking mind.  But then, I wouldn't have listened to anyone, I was in too dark a place to have been able to see any light.

So this is the background of my life as a fat man!  A closet eater with lots of excuses!  My next post will chronicle the Epiphany that changed my life and started me on the road to taking control of my life and learning how to Love myself!  Which resulted in me going from 315 to a svelte 200 and turning my life around.

Losing 115 Pounds

Over the past 18 months I have been transforming my life to be the best person I am capable of being!  I have just looked at it as me undoing much of the damage I have caused to my body and spirit over the past few years.

I have currently lost 115 pounds and am happy and in better health and condition than I have been in almost 30 years.  Recently, a few friends have suggested that I share my story with others.  After thinking about it for awhile, I have decided that it is a good idea and a cathartic experience for me as I look back at my journey.  I hope my story will inspire others to take ownership of their lives and bodies and responsibility for their health and well being!

Please check back as I share my journey to Loving myself and living a more fulfilled life~

There is a list of all my postings to the right of this blog.  Just click on a title and you can read my continuing story..........

LIght & Blessings,
Marty