There's much on my mind today, to start, one of the little changes in my life that I enjoy, is being able to wrap the towel at the health club around my waist. I used to need a beach towel..............it's funny how there are lots of little things like this that impact one's life.
Where this started as an effort to lose weight, it has become a life transformation. It's like decorating, once you do one thing, you gotta do the other and so on and on, until everything is new. And that is how my journey has unfolded. Once you make some changes and start examining yourself closely, it leads to finding more and more things that could use a little fixin' or a coat of paint. The weight loss has become the easy part of the process. Making deep internal change in who we are is a serious undertaking and requires you to take it slow and steady. Like peeling back the layers of an onion. I have been going through some personal challenges, and although I know it just needs me to change my perspective on the situation, I feel kinda stuck. And I think to myself, if I had the willpower and internal strength to lose 115 pounds, why am I having trouble now? I suppose that having taken control of my life, I want to control everything. But I can't control what happens, only how I deal with it. I at least am aware enough to know that it is something in me that I need to change to perceive things differently. It's one of those old patterns that want me to hang on to my hurt even though it isn't working for me. I have to see things for what they are and accept that and learn from it. I do recognize times of great pain or discomfort as golden opportunities to grow, if you can get out of your suffering long enough to see the light. It's trying to show you what you need to know to overcome the situation. It's not easy but it's necessary...............
I went to a Journey Dance event last night.........I have never been a dancer. At 300 ponds I never felt good about moving my body around in front of people. I was way too self conscious...............
I went to a Breathwork workshop a couple of months ago and part of the experience was dancing around to live drummers. I watched as people danced around with reckless abandon. I thought to myself........I just don't do this! But then I thought, if you don't, what will you get out of it? You get out, what you put in. So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and do it! I threw caution to the wind and let myself go! It was an amazingly liberating experience that I decided I would do again. So basically, everyone gets together, barefoot, usually in a Yoga or meditation studio and there is music and everyone follows the spirit to their dance. Now that I have this new body, I want to discover what it can do, how it moves, feel its flow.
Understand it and connect with it in a way that I never did before. I was never intimate with my old body, I hated it! But this new body, I need to become intimate with it so that I can be intimate with someone else. And also intimate with who I am becoming. I still have not completely mastered my new body. This may sound funny, but people who are really comfortable in their own skin use body language and their sexual energy to communicate. I have not quite gotten the hang of that yet.........I'm working on it, but it is a process rather than a revelation. I think I need to let my body do more of the talking and my mouth less. It almost seems a little strange to reach my age and not have mastered this. But then again, it was strange for me to learn so much about hospitals and illness when I was so young. We all have our own curriculum in life, we learn what we need to based on our individual paths. No 2 people are alike and so everyone learns what they're supposed to, when they're supposed to. You can't measure your growth with anyone else's, it's not a race or a competition.
Some things that I thought would change when I lost the weight, because I thought they just went along with being thin, I now realize are things that need to be changed from within. So some of what I thought would change when I got thin, I now know are things about myself that I need to work on if I want to experience that change. Growth is tough, but so worth it!
So I forge ahead.............on my journey!
Love & Light,
Marty
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