Observations

Creating this blog has caused me to examine my life in a way I hadn't anticipated.  Or maybe I did.............I am quite introspective to begin with.
In any event, there is so much that one goes through in losing the equivalent of another person in weight.  It is so much more than just the numbers and what you see on the outside.  Now that I am a normal sized person, many things are different.  Interestingly, one thing I miss, is my mass.  I was always a big boy, looked like a biker and people were intimidated by me.  I did some bouncing and security in my time, I easily looked the part.  I even got to play a biker in a Twisted Sister video.  So there was a certain sense of power when I walked into a room and people that didn't know me, would get nervous.  I kinda liked that........but now, I don't look very intimidating at all.  That's OK, I'm fine with the trade off, but to be honest, it is something that I miss.  Other than that, I Love the new me.  I can fit into a booth in a restaurant, don't need a seat belt extender, don't need to shop in the fat man's store, get in and out of cars with ease, walk flights of stairs and not need oxygen, I can go on and on.
Life is much easier carrying 115 pounds less everyday.

As a fat man, I was Marty the people pleaser.  Being very nice to people so they'd accept me and like me.  Now that I'm not that person, I have to decide whether many of my personality traits still work for me.  I suppose in accepting myself, there is less need for acceptance from others.  Except those people who are important to me.  So does that mean that I don't have to be nice to people anymore?  Well.........yes and no!  I don't have to because I need them to like me, but if I want to be nice to someone, I can.
I can certainly be more selective with whom I extend myself.  I seem to have a need to take care of people in my life.  I thought about where that comes from, I had just assumed that it came from being fat and wanting someone to Love me.  It was always in me, but much more so after 10 years of care giving, I had done it in my relationships........so was it just the fat man people pleaser thing?  I was surprised that a couple of close friends who have read my blog, commented that they didn't know I was handicapped when I was a child.  I guess I just assume everyone I know, knows.  But then again, it's really not something I talk about much.  I realize that I was taken care of for many, many years.  As a kid I hated it!
Not being able to do things for myself, or being able to do the things other kids could do.  I had a Jewish mother who was also an RN so I was kept under a very watchful eye.  I do find it hard to let people take care of me or do things for me, I think some of it might be because I rebelled once I could take care of myself.  Until now, I hadn't really given this any thought.  It does explain a lot to me.  This might be one of those times for some balance.  I need to learn to receive as well as give!  Things need to flow both ways............balance!

It's funny, having a whole new body is sort of like moving into a new home or completely renovating the old one.  You have to go through all your closets and all your stuff and decide what goes to the new place.
I have been doing the same thing internally, going through all my stuff, all the stuff that makes me who I am.  A lot of the stuff will stay, but there are things that do need to go.  I am grateful to be at this place in my life where I can reflect and purge.  I only need to take those things into this next phase of my life that I really need.  No room for excess baggage, I carried it long enough.  I'm traveling light from now on!  Each day I learn something new about myself or find connections that explain things I hadn't quite understood.  I have put nothing off limits, I examine everything and nothing is safe from the toss pile.  I lost the physical weight, why not lose the emotional baggage too.  What a perfect time to make a clean sweep of it all!  It would hardly be fair to spruce up the outside of the house and not do some work inside as well.

I have to say that I never did this kind of work on myself at other times that I've lost significant weight.  I do think it is a contributing factor in why I really believe in my heart that this is the last time.  I will NEVER be fat Marty again.  He is GONE!  But he left me to carry on!

So tonight, I found the perfect 90 minute workout!  30 minutes of spinning, 30 minutes of weights and a quick mile in the pool, 30 minutes.    I felt amazing!  If I don't do something physical everyday, I feel bad, not really bad, but not as good as when I do.  Incentive enough for me!

I do hope that some of you get something out of my experiences, I certainly have gotten a lot out of sharing my story and putting it in writing.  More than I had imagined!  I know of a couple of people who have started taking better care of themselves as a result of my success.  That makes me so happy.  A few of my friends are looking at me, the one everybody could count on to be the biggest in the group, and now I'm thinner than a lot of them.  It makes them realize that they need to do a little better for themselves.  I don't mind that!  I've become a poster boy for better health to many of my friends.  Cool!!!  A living reminder that anyone can do it!  If you want it! 

So these have been my thoughts for the evening..........

May you all be successful in all your endeavors................

Love & Light,
Marty