Further Thoughts

As I read through my previous posts, it gave me some time to reflect.
I didn't include many details about my life as they are not necessarily pertinent to my life as a fat man.  Those of us who have weight problems, all have our own stories.  Why we got fat in the first place or why we neglected to take control sooner is a personal saga and we have all had our share of hard times.  I do believe that those of us who have loved food a little too much, have failed to Love ourselves enough.  Having been there, I think that the weight is a symptom of a greater systemic emotional problem.  We all know about the happy fat guy, it's a myth, he's hurting inside.  I'm not sure if you can really Love yourself and allow yourself to become unhealthy as a direct result of you own actions.  If I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, how could I really like myself?  If I couldn't Love myself, how could anybody else?  I tried making peace with my weight but couldn't.  Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who didn't care enough to take better care of themself.  I knew I wasn't being kind to myself, I just couldn't stop.   I had no hope that tomorrow would be a brighter day.  I suppose there was a little glimmer of hope in me, because for as many times as I thought about surgery, I had this little ray of hope that I had it in me to do, and that one day, if I didn't die first, I would get my shit together to do it!

My mother's death was a life changing event..........I was destroyed, and I was free at the same time!  I had prayed for that sweet release so many times, for both of us, knowing what it meant for me.  I had poured my heart and soul into taking care of my mother and making sure that in her final years, she felt Loved and cared for in a way that gave her great peace.  I know she hung on so long because she was living on my Love for her.  She called me her Guardian Angel!  Nothing in my life will be more important than that!!  That I could be that for her..............

When she passed, I was free...........but to do what?   My career was not happening, I hadn't written anything in years and had no inspiration to write.  I wanted to write a piece for my mother, but was still too close to it and was still empty musically.  I was fat, alone, unhealthy and not really looking to the future which I expected to be filled with illness and pain and why bother!  I believed that Love was something in my past that I would never feel again and I felt like a part of myself was MIA.   I was at an impasse with the Universe, who kept telling me that they would help me if I made the first move, and I kept insisting, that without any help, I wasn't making any attempts to help myself.  I had given up!

I mention this, because for those of you who find yourself in a similar place to where I was, I want you to not give up Hope!  Hope got me to where I am today!  What started out as the hope that someone would fall in Love with me, turned into the Hope that the rest of my life will be the most inspiring time of my life.  That the journey I embarked upon, by dropping 115 pounds is just the prelude to a wondrous adventure as my life unfolds before me.  I have taken control of my life and responsibility for my actions past and present.  I have proven that I am a Magnificent Beast and can do anything I set my mind to.  I believe in me!
Believe in yourself and you can move mountains.............
I'm just a boy from Brooklyn, taking life one day at a time.  Nothing special!  Unless I believe I am!  That makes all the difference.

The power of Love is an amazing force!  The fear of death didn't inspire me to change my life, Love did!

I wish you all well on your personal journeys through this crazy world we live in.  May you be Blessed in all you do~