I briefly mentioned that I was handicapped as a child and didn't give too many details, citing it as a story for another time. Well, this seems like an appropriate enough other time. I was diagnosed with Polio and Perthes disease at a little over 3 years old. I had already had 3 Polio shots and got the disease out of season. Very unusual to be sure............I also had Perthes disease, which affects the hip bone. The ball degenerates causing instability and pain. It is a rare disease and nobody had both together so I was a very interesting subject for the doctors who came in what seemed like droves to examine me. I didn't know what to make of it all, I was too young. I spent over a year and a half in the hospital for chronic diseases. Most kids there didn't get many visitors or too often. The hospital was in a far out part of Brooklyn and when you're in long term, it's an institutional mentality. Thank God for Sadie, my mother, the woman I took care of for 10 years, because of what she taught me in those early years. Sadie missed one day of visiting me in all that time. She was too sick to take the 4 buses each way it took to get there and home where she still had my father and brother to take care of. Yes she was a Saint. I had a meltdown at 4 years old the day she didn't come. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.......it's still a little traumatic to think about and how vividly I remember it.
This brings me to a point I'd like to make. I always thought that I had no real emotional or psychological affects from my rather interesting childhood. But in delving deep into my inner being as part of my life transformation, I have discovered that this is not completely the case.
I never liked being taken care of as a child and once I was able to take care of myself, I did. I have never looked for women to take care of me in relationships, on the contrary, I have always been with women that I could take care of. Which has led me into some very lopsided relationships. I had never really considered the connection to my early years before. When I took care of my mom, I didn't do it out of obligation but respect and gratitude for what she had done for me in such a Loving way. She taught me how you're supposed to take care of a Loved one, and I did! I paid her back for all those days in the hospital with interest. I used to tell her that all the years she cared for me were like a savings account and now she got to cash it in when she needed it. I am truly Blessed that I was able to be there for my mother to make her final years as stress free as possible and for her to know how much she was Loved. I never ended a phone conversation or a personal visit without telling her I Loved her!
No matter what happened, I'd know that the last thing I told her was that I Loved her! But I digress................
It was recently pointed out to me by a very smart friend who I had a relationship with years ago. We were talking about how I was feeling a lot of separation anxiety due to the conclusion of a fairly long term project. She pointed out to me that I had displayed a tendency toward separation anxiety in our relationship and I realized I had done it in other relationships as well. I am very quick to forgive, because I am afraid of losing people. She associated it with my mother leaving me every night in the hospital as I had to watch my mommy leave me everyday. And I thought back to the one day she didn't show up and my meltdown. What a revelation to realize after so many years that some of the behavior patterns that affected my relationships with women, were due to what I had gone through as a child in the hospital. I also have to give some thought to what effect losing my father at 13 had in contributing to my separation anxiety issues. I'm sure quite a bit. Knowing this is an empowering thing, but now............what do I do with it to make some changes in my behavior moving forward. It's a process as I uncover things about myself and then find ways to use that knowledge to improve myself and my life. It's a journey...................
There is no medical reason why I have no physical abnormalities associated with my childhood diseases. My parents were told I'd never walk properly, and probably not without some kind of assistance. Why my legs are now perfectly equal and my foot size as well. If you believe in miracles, then I had one. If you don't, I had one anyhow! I recently met the first person I've ever known who also had Perthes disease. He recently had a hip replacement because even though the bone regenerates, it never comes back properly so most people who had it, have hip replacements by their 50's. I have displayed no signs of hip problems to date. It was interesting comparing notes on the type of hardware we wore as kids. It was a huge, heavy and cumbersome brace we both wore. I felt less alone!
I also know someone who had Polio as a child and he is suffering from Post Polio Syndrome, which I also have displayed no sings of. For years after I was healed, I had trouble seeing other handicapped people, because I felt strange about why I was OK. Why me? I felt a little guilty!
I still have those feelings sometimes...........why me? But why is not really important. Only what I do to make the most out of the wonderful opportunities I have been Blessed with.
I remember going to visit my grandmother on Sundays, we'd take the bus to Coney Island where she lived. We'd walk down a long block and across the street where my grandmother would be sitting on her porch. I was always pushed in my wheelchair. But I remember having a recurring dream as a child..........of walking down that block on my own 2 feet and crossing that street and running to hug my grandma. It was a dream that did in fact become reality. Did I manifest my own reality? Did I cause my own healing? Did I see a glimpse into the future? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer to these questions, but it gives me food for contemplation as I realize the interconnectedness of everything in life. And I wonder, if I healed myself before, can I do it again, with far less serious problems than before? Perhaps in losing the weight, making the changes and writing this blog, I have begun to heal my life already! Perhaps someone else decides to heal their own life because of what I write here. I have been told that I would make a good energy healer. The idea has always resonated with me and just maybe, I have been brought to this place in my life to pursue that path. We shall see................
I appreciate the opportunity to share my story................as I've said before, what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds has turned into a life transformation, much deeper than I ever could have imagined. And the journey has just begun...................
Blessed Be,
Marty
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