I haven't posted in awhile and I have many things on my mind I'd like to share. First, let me start by saying that I feel amazing! I am settling into my new body and starting to feel like it's really me.
So, I am the emergency contact for a friend with MS. She fell and needed some staples in her head, so I was called. I went to the emergency room with her and visited the next couple of days. I was almost immediately transported back to taking care of my mom. Like a switch was turned on, I went into caregiver mode. I am glad I can be there for my friend and able to use a skill set that I have and am very good at. The point here, is that when I went to the hospital, I started wanting chocolate and when I left, thought about going home and eating something comforting and maybe not so good for me. I didn't............but I was a little shocked to see how it affected me. Every time I went to my mom in the hospital, I needed some chocolate to get me through............and serious comfort afterward. I did not succumb to old behavior patterns. Instead, I ate something healthy and went for a swim. But some old triggers are still there beneath the surface. I just need to be aware of them and not allow them to rule my choices.
This past weekend, I went down to Hollywood, Florida to see my oldest and dearest friend. He has been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and things have taken a turn for the worse. I thought I was going down to say goodbye, but he was doing better than I had anticipated. I understand things change quickly, but he was good for the weekend and I was able to get him out to have some fun. The weekend was so much more than I could have ever imagined, it was profound and filled with lessons for me and messages from the Universe.
It started on the flight down, I was sitting next to a lovely young lady from India who was a practicing Buddhist who chants. She was going to a convention of other Buddhists. We discussed Buddhism and philosophy and it was a delightful flight down because of her company. I used to chant almost 30 years ago and still have my Gohonzon. I have been entertaining starting chanting again, and I took this as a possible sign from the Universe that I should! She has invited me to a meeting so I will pursue the possibilities of adding this to my spiritual practice. The entire weekend seemed to just unfold before me...........I rented a Mustang convertible and the weather could not have been more perfect and I have the sunburn to prove it! I drove with the top down the whole time I was there. When I got to my friends house we went to dinner with some other friends I grew up with, some that I hadn't seen in 40 years. It was a wonderful evening! I had a room steps from the beach and I sat on the beach at midnight watching the stars and listening to the songs of the sea. I haven't been out of NYC in years and I can't believe how much I needed it and how much it did for me. I felt so relaxed when I was there and planned on taking it back to NY, which is what I did.
So I took my friend for a ride in my convertible, classic rock blasting from a great sound system, and it felt like 30 years ago, cruising around with my buddy........same music as back then. It's been that long since I got to hang out with my friend and an interesting thing happened. When we were together, I became in touch with a part of me that I was back then because of the dynamic of our relationship. I like this part of me and was happy to reconnect with it. I realized that it is something that I want to keep as part of who I am and it really came out now that we were together again. Rather than looking at the weekend as a goodbye, we had a great time. We had lunch on the intercoastal, sitting in the sun, having a great meal and watching the boats go by. I was expecting to have a sad weekend and leave with an emptiness, but instead, we made new memories that will endure. If this was the last time we are togther, then I will always remember that our last time together was fun, just like the old days. But I realize that I need to get out of the city every now and then, so I will make time to visit again and not make this trip the final time we will see each other.
Some of my friends, one in particular was trying to talk me into moving down...........I had an amazing weekend and it was certainly food for though. I've lived in NYC all my life and there are better ways to live out there with easier lifestyles. I'm not ready to move yet, but it is something I am giving some very serious thought. Perhaps the Universe is telling me that it's time to start thinking about where I want to live next.
Or maybe I'll just let the Universe guide me to my next stop.
I hit the beach first thing when I woke up everyday and the last thing I did at night. In the morning for my tan and at night for the insight. Sitting on the beach at night was so insightful. The sound of the waves on the shoreline spoke to me, the stars gave me their wisdom. I had not anticipated getting so much out of this weekend and I realize that I was meant to go for my own benefit. Funny how things work out like that. Because of my new perspective on life, I was able to give my friend some very positive energy and insight that he really appreciated. We always had a certain way together and my energy was a gift for him and a portal to many fond memories of growing up. We had done the great American road trip in 1978, driving cross country in his MGB/GT. Camping out most of the way, Pacific coast highway, Grand Canyon, so many places, and having the time of our lives. When you're with friends you know so long, who knew you before you became who you are now, with no pretenses, there is a certain natural acceptance and it is easy to be real with those friends. So it was such a nice weekend to be among old friends that it made me feel very whole and in touch with who I am.
I hadn't been to the beach in 25 years. I never liked the sun on my body when I was heavy. I hated the heat and since I hated my body, I didn't want to feel the sun on it........I was way too self conscious. Feeling the sun baking my body now felt soooo good. I actually for the first time, felt like I was thin. I could feel the heat on my body and my presence in the chair and I felt like, wow..........this is all there is of me. And it felt great!
Not to mention the fact that everyone couldn't stop telling me how good I looked. It almost got embarrassing, but I Love it!
I got so much insight into myself this weekend that I never imagined would happen. Much of the lessons I learned affirm the path I am on in my life. Getting away into a different environment made such a big difference in me. I was able to put things in a different perspective. I came home feeling more whole and more me than before. I see my life unfolding before me in a beautiful way. I have faith and trust that the journey I am on is where I am supposed to be. I keep marveling at how making a first step to lose some weight has turned into such a life transformation. I continue to grow everyday and feel stronger both physically and spiritually. I am in the best shape of my life and feel strong and grounded. I am getting more comfortable in my own skin daily and am in a wonderful place in my life. That doesn't mean everything is going perfectly, it just means that I have the personal tools necessary to navigate the uncertain waters that is my life.
What a whirlwind week it was...........but a very important week in terms of my personal growth. I had something I needed to let go of and I think I have finally turned the corner on being able to do it. I like who I am and who I am becoming.........what a beautiful place to be~
May you all Love yourselves deeply.............
Love & Light,
Marty
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