HAPPY NEW YEAR
I want to wish everyone a happy new year filled with health, happiness and peace in your lives. All in all, 2010 was a good year for me. I am on the right path for achieving my goals and living a more mindful life. The year ended on a sad note, my friend Mike Gruber whom I visited in Florida in Oct. passed away on Dec. 22nd. He was my oldest friend, we were childhood friends and his passing has left a deep emptiness in my heart. I also put to rest a friendship that I had hoped was a lifelong relationship but in the end, was not meant to be. It was very sad to lose this person in my life but it was a reality that I must accept and make peace with. The holidays are always a bittersweet time of year, on new year's eve, I wanted to call my mother and wish her a happy new year and then I remembered she's gone.
I have been maintaining my weight between 195 & 205. I feel very comfortable at this range and might go down to 190 to see how it feels but for the winter, I feel good where I'm at. I swim almost everyday and hit the gym at least 3 days to do circuit training on the machines. I have found that if I don't do something physical during the day, my day doesn't go as well. As I put it, the water keeps me grounded. The events of the end of 2010 and just melancholy feeling during the holidays missing my parents, I could have fallen back into old behavior patterns. I am proud to say that I didn't! I feel comfortable with my new lifestyle and I own it more with the passing of each day.
I have finally put up a website for my company Musecat Productions at musecat.com My body and health are under control now and it is time to really devote my time and dedicate my energy to my music and my career. I am recording new songs for my new album and archiving old tracks that I own to try and get licensing deals for synchronization with film and TV. The meditation CD is done and at the replicators and I am trying to carve out a niche for myself in that genre. I would like to do more music for meditation and healing work. So I am keeping many options open and trying to resurrect my career that was once fairly promising. I think I'm writing some of that best stuff of my life and feel optimistic about the future. I'm also playing with a couple of new bands that I am really enjoying playing with. Good music and good musicians, what a winning combination. The year is certainly starting off on a high note as far as the music goes.
Health wise, it's a mixed bag. I'm healthier than I have been since my 20's. I do have a couple of issues that need to be addressed. I am going to have sinus surgery on 1/25 to take care of a blockage. It will keep me out of the pool and gym for a week and I am a little upset with that but it has to be done. I have had carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand for years and in the left for the past few. I have exhausted every option short of surgery and after holding out for this long, it is finally at a point where I just can't live with it. It wakes me up at night, my hands are numb when I swim, I can't feel the keys under my fingers when I play too much.......etc. I spoke to my hand surgeon today and the plan is as follows. He injected my left wrist for the second time, he can do it one more time only. I will go for surgery on the right hand either March 7th or 14th, right after my birthday. This surgery will keep me out of the pool for at least 10 days, I'm not happy about that but maybe I can hit the treadmill and do some spinning. I'll work something out but I won't let it become an excuse to gain weight or get out of shape.
Providence intervenes...........An old friend who is now a Chiropractor, saw my post about the surgery on Facebook and offered to give me Cold Laser treatments for my wrists. I read up on it and it sounds very promising and no surgery. So I am going to give it a try and see if I get good results.
I can always reschedule the surgery if necessary. Hopefully it won't be!
I speak of my journey a lot, it is how I look at my life now. I am on the path I am meant to be on and moving in the right direction! Life is still stressful at times, I have my share of challenges to deal with, I just don't let them affect me the way I used to. My outlook on life has changed significantly, and I take each day as it comes, one at a time. I have been maintaining my weight and healthy lifestyle for some time now and feel more and more comfortable in who I am. I am a work in progress, but then aren't we all and isn't that what life is all about.
I hope everyone's year is starting off on a positive note or that you can at least find some good in whatever is happening in your lives. May you be blessed with Peace and Love~
Love & Light,
Marty
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sadie
It's been awhile since I posted.........things have been going well and I have reached a personal low of 196 Lbs. I had a back injury and layed off the gym for 6 weeks. I did continue to swim and started swimming with hand paddles to help build my upper body strength and increase my speed in the pool. I do feel like a machine in the water........I'm in my element and it feels like home. Funny to say but the water keeps me grounded!
But this posting isn't about me.............it's about my dear sweet mother Sadie~
Today was a rather difficult day for me emotionally. So I thought that it might help to share some memories of my mother Sadie who I lost on Jan 28th 2008.............I miss her so much, but especially around the holidays.
I celebrated every one with her, in case it would be the last one, I didn't want to miss any because I knew the day would come when she wouldn't be here with me. She deserves to be remembered today and everyday!
Today would have been Sadie's 94th birthday. She was with me for 91 of them. Many more than the doctors told her she'd have. But they didn't know Sadie. She was the quintessential Jewish mother! She was a great cook and made all the traditional recipes. Naturally, in the big debate, I still insist that my mother made the best stuffed cabbage ever! She was after all the daughter of a Kosher caterer in Coney Island!
She was one of 7 children and having gone through the depression and WWII she had seen her share of hard times. She was a bit of a rebel for her time, although she would not think so. But at a time when girls stayed home until they were married, Sadie moved into an apartment with another nurse, who would always be known as aunt Dorothea, so they could live closer to the hospital. It must have taken a lot of cojones to stand up to my grandfather and tell him she was moving out, even though she was in her late 20's, very old not to be married in those days. And my grandfather wasn't happy with her choice to be a nurse, because back then, nursing wasn't as respected a profession as it is now. And if you talk to some nurses, they might tell you it hasn't changed all that much.
But my mother was always a care giver, it was in her blood. She cared for her own brother when he got Pneumonia and cared for him until he died.
I am immensely grateful that I had her as a mother, because when I became ill, I couldn't have had a better person taking care of me and watching out for me, after all, I was only 3. It was a bit of a drag having a nurse as a mother, because when I got Rheumatic Fever, since she was an RN, the doctor had her give me the Penicillin by injection instead of orally..........lucky me. I was black and blue on both side of my butt........we alternated everyday. But considering I was such a mess medically, when I was a kid, I am very fortunate to have had her. Many of the children in the hospital where I was were left there, or got visitors only occasionally.
Sadie was there everyday for a year and a half, taking 4 buses each way to get to me because the hospital was on the other side of Brooklyn. She missed one day in all that time because she was too sick to come and I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had my first melt down at 4 years old..........I wanted my mommy! They tried to explain to me she'd come the next day, but it was no consolation to me. Funny how things stay with you. I could have easily been institutionalized and left there, but that was never going to happen to a child of Sadie's. I drew on this strength and example of unconditional Love when it was my turn to take care of her. It was my time to return the favor........to care for her with the same Love and devotion that she showed me so many years before.
She had more than earned having her last years stress free and feeling unconditionally Loved! She called me her Guardian Angel, that meant more to me than anything else in my life and I am so grateful to have been able to be that for her and give her such peace of mind. Anyhow, this is about her.
She was set up with my father on a date by a family friend and she thought it would be funny to go out with a Mockie right off the boat. My father had just come to this country after surviving the Holocaust. He spoke no English and they spoke Yiddish on their date. He turned out to be the Love of her life and the only man she ever loved or was with. She married him shortly after they met and my brother came along 11 months later, and at 34, my mother was considered very old to have her first child. I came along 2 years and 3 months later...........the start of so many problems, if they only knew. My father worked in a sweat shop as a presser doing piece work, he got paid for every garment he pressed. It was tough work working under less terrible conditions. My parents spent their last savings to buy my wheel chair........not something they had ever imagined needing.
My dad died when I was 13 and after just 16 years of marriage, Sadie lost her only Love, despite attempts at CPR. My dad had a massive coronary and was gone in minutes, right before our eyes. That's another night I will never forget as long as I live. Sadie was left with 2 teenage sons, and after having not worked in 16 years, she had to give up nursing because of a heart condition, she now had to go back to work to support her sons.
My dad had no life insurance, there was a one time payment from the German government for war reparations, my father had been suing the Germans through a German attorney he had. When he died my mom couldn't read the letters which were in German and she ended up settling for a lot less than he would have gotten had he lived. But she needed what she could get to survive. We lived in the projects, and survivor benefits from Social Security were not enough to get by on. She went on food stamps and Medicaid and we got by. She got a job as a school aide so she could be around when me and my brother got out of school. She got a job as a camp nurse at camps for rich kids so that my brother and I could go to camp for the whole summer. She put us both through college and we got to pursue our dreams. Everything was about her 2 sons.
Which is why she deserved so much better than she got from my brother in the final years of her life. He didn't show up on her death bed! I carried so much anger about that and did as much as I could to make her feel so Loved, that she wouldn't feel bad that her oldest son didn't care.
But he had made her a grandma so he had lots of get out of jail free cards.
Six months after my father died, my mother's mother died.........it was a devastating time for Sadie, to lose her husband and mother in 6 months.
She never waivered.........she is the strongest woman I have ever known.
I am in awe of how she stepped up in the face of so much heartache and never complained, never made my brother or I feel insecure or worried about the future. Sadie did that! She was a selfless woman..............
Before I go any further, lest I give the impression that she was perfect, Saint Sadie, she could be a big pain in the ass and she was stubborn and wanted things done her way............I am a better cook than she was, and it was an exercise in patience trying to cook in her kitchen. You would have thought that I didn't know anything. She was very opinionated and I think in some way always needed someone to be mad at. She didn't speak to her sister for 17 years and neither one remembered why. When they finally made up, they were best friends.
Sadie was the mother who volunteered to go on all the class trips in elementary school. Looking back I was lucky to have a mother who took such active participation in my growing up, but then, as a kid, you didn't really want your mom there, because if you misbehaved, there she was.
It was the 50's/60's and my mother cooked dinner every night. We were expected to be at the table and never ate until my father got home from work. We'd sit at the window and watch for him to get off the bus. It was a much more innocent time back then and the beginning of the end of the traditional family unit as we knew it. I went away alone for the first time after high school at 18. I grew my first moustache, which Sadie informed me better be gone when I got home. I managed to keep it and that was my first time really defying Sadie. She cried when she found out I smoked pot, I was high and my mother was crying, what a bummer. She had rules and I was just learning how to break them. She threw me out at 22 and helped me move and decorate my new place. But it was her house, her rules! Sadie was a competent woman who could do a little plumbing, carpentry, painting, she took care of business. She was very talented with her hands and could knit and crochet, needlepoints, anything like that, she was the Queen! She could knit a baby sweater and hat in under 2 days. I have a number of afghans in my house all made by her as do a few friends who were lucky enough to get them as gifts from me. They are treasured keepsakes to all who have them. In her later years you would be hard pressed to see her without some knitting needles in her hand. If she was in front of the TV, she needed something to do with her hands. She used to knit for fancy Madison Ave. boutiques, they'd give her the yarn and instructions and she'd make the sweater. They'd pay her $75 and sell them for over $500............she was a prolific knitter. The last thing she was making, was a pair of socks for me...........there is only a small swatch done, but I have still it on the needles as she left it before she died. It is in the memory box I have on my wall as a tribute to her. There is one for my dad right next to it. They are the first thing you see as you enter my apt, it is important to me to keep their memories alive.
Sadie loved cruises and went on quite a few, by herself. She was fearless! When she got too sick to go alone, she tried to get me to go with her.........I was a grown man, I didn't want to go with my mother, what fun would that be. So she's in intensive care, the doctors tell me to get her affairs in order, this is probably it! So I hold my mother's hand and tell her, you get better, and I'll take you on that cruise, a promise I'm sure I will never have to keep. Well..........don't you know, 6 weeks later, she's home..........planning the cruise! Oh dear lord, how did I get myself into this. We went on a cruise that left from NY so I was able to get her electric wheelchair on the ship, so I didn't have to push her everywhere. I was able to stay up late and play a piano and drink Remy Martin, which was very cheap on the ship and I always drew an audience so there were plenty of free drinks......a nice perk of being a musician. Sadie was able to get up early and get around the ship on her own. It was a very liberating feeling for her since she had home care aides with her all the time and missed her independence. I could sleep late and we'd meet up later. She was able to come and go as she pleased. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and it made Sadie sooo happy. I am glad I was able to do that for her. On one formal night, we had our picture taken, she looked great and I was in my tux. It is a wonderful picture that hangs over my piano. I am so glad I took her on that cruise just for that picture. She looked so happy.......it's a moment I can hold onto forever.
So I hope you have some sense of who Sadie was..........how can you put 91 years of an amazing life in a few paragraphs. She loved helping people, was a natural born care giver, which is where I get it from. She was a mother who made choo-choo train cakes for birthdays and made many of her own clothes from remnants and patterns my father brought home from work. She knew her way around a sewing machine and it was a rude awakening, when she got too old to do my tailoring and I found out how expensive tailors are. I always just brought it to Sadie! She was a fiercely devoted wife and mother who travelled to different relatives to care for them if they became very ill. She cared for her sister-in-law when she got brain cancer and allowed her to die with some dignity at home by her unselfish care, treating her like a sister. She moved in with her nephew when his wife had quintuplets. She did love taking care of babies. She Loved her grand daughter and being a grandma. I didn't always see eye to eye with her, but I respected her always. In the last 10 years that I cared for her, we developed a very deep bond. She had dragged me to doctors and hospitals for years as a child, and now I was dragging her..........we were a team!
What a reversal of roles.........I became the parent in the end. But it was a natural circle of life and I honored her by caring for her with kindness, respect, admiration and all the Love I had to give. She was a big personality in a small body, and has left a hole in my life that will never be filled. I am so fortunate to have had her as my mother. I am the man I am today to a great extent because of her and how she brought me up.
I got to really know her in those final years because each big hospital stay was potentially the last, so I took the time to really talk to her and ask all the questions I could think to ask her, because once she was gone, all the answers would be as well. She cheated death for many years to the amazement of all her doctors........but they didn't know my mother! I always said that the grim reaper better come with reinforcements when he came for Sadie, because she was going kicking and screaming into the hereafter.
She fought death for weeks, but it was inevitable. She died peacefully in my arms. I had been by her bedside for all that time and went home to shower and feed the boys, hoping she wouldn't die while I was gone. I believe she waited for me because she passed shortly after I returned. After all we had been through together, it was only fitting that I be with her at the end. She died peacefully in my arms, I had just finished telling her it was OK to let go...............I watched as her breaths got shallower and slower, then there was no more, I waited to see just one more, but she was gone. I sat with her for a long time, not wanting to leave her, knowing I'd never see her again. Never touch her cheek or hold her hand.
I had prepared myself for that moment so many times before, there were so many almosts, 600 days in the hospital, over 60 emergency room visits.
I was there for every one of them! That was one of the worst days of my life. I was relieved that my mother was at peace, but she had been my purpose for 10 years, what was I going to do now! But I'm Sadie's son, so I picked myself up and transformed my life. Because that's what she would have done!
Happy Birthday Sadie...........I know you are celebrating with daddy and your family. I take great comfort in knowing this..........I know you are watching out for me and I couldn't have a better Guardian Angel. I wish you could have seen me this thin, but I know you have! I could feel you smiling, and saying, you have such a nice face, if you'd only shave that beard now. I still reach for the phone to call her when I have good or bad news.
I wish everyone could have known her, she was a wonderful woman and the best mother I could have ever had. And in the end, we even became good friends! I am truly Blessed! I miss her so!
Today was a rather difficult day for me emotionally. So I thought that it might help to share some memories of my mother Sadie who I lost on Jan 28th 2008.............I miss her so much, but especially around the holidays.
I celebrated every one with her, in case it would be the last one, I didn't want to miss any because I knew the day would come when she wouldn't be here with me. She deserves to be remembered today and everyday!
Today would have been Sadie's 94th birthday. She was with me for 91 of them. Many more than the doctors told her she'd have. But they didn't know Sadie. She was the quintessential Jewish mother! She was a great cook and made all the traditional recipes. Naturally, in the big debate, I still insist that my mother made the best stuffed cabbage ever! She was after all the daughter of a Kosher caterer in Coney Island!
She was one of 7 children and having gone through the depression and WWII she had seen her share of hard times. She was a bit of a rebel for her time, although she would not think so. But at a time when girls stayed home until they were married, Sadie moved into an apartment with another nurse, who would always be known as aunt Dorothea, so they could live closer to the hospital. It must have taken a lot of cojones to stand up to my grandfather and tell him she was moving out, even though she was in her late 20's, very old not to be married in those days. And my grandfather wasn't happy with her choice to be a nurse, because back then, nursing wasn't as respected a profession as it is now. And if you talk to some nurses, they might tell you it hasn't changed all that much.
But my mother was always a care giver, it was in her blood. She cared for her own brother when he got Pneumonia and cared for him until he died.
I am immensely grateful that I had her as a mother, because when I became ill, I couldn't have had a better person taking care of me and watching out for me, after all, I was only 3. It was a bit of a drag having a nurse as a mother, because when I got Rheumatic Fever, since she was an RN, the doctor had her give me the Penicillin by injection instead of orally..........lucky me. I was black and blue on both side of my butt........we alternated everyday. But considering I was such a mess medically, when I was a kid, I am very fortunate to have had her. Many of the children in the hospital where I was were left there, or got visitors only occasionally.
Sadie was there everyday for a year and a half, taking 4 buses each way to get to me because the hospital was on the other side of Brooklyn. She missed one day in all that time because she was too sick to come and I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had my first melt down at 4 years old..........I wanted my mommy! They tried to explain to me she'd come the next day, but it was no consolation to me. Funny how things stay with you. I could have easily been institutionalized and left there, but that was never going to happen to a child of Sadie's. I drew on this strength and example of unconditional Love when it was my turn to take care of her. It was my time to return the favor........to care for her with the same Love and devotion that she showed me so many years before.
She had more than earned having her last years stress free and feeling unconditionally Loved! She called me her Guardian Angel, that meant more to me than anything else in my life and I am so grateful to have been able to be that for her and give her such peace of mind. Anyhow, this is about her.
She was set up with my father on a date by a family friend and she thought it would be funny to go out with a Mockie right off the boat. My father had just come to this country after surviving the Holocaust. He spoke no English and they spoke Yiddish on their date. He turned out to be the Love of her life and the only man she ever loved or was with. She married him shortly after they met and my brother came along 11 months later, and at 34, my mother was considered very old to have her first child. I came along 2 years and 3 months later...........the start of so many problems, if they only knew. My father worked in a sweat shop as a presser doing piece work, he got paid for every garment he pressed. It was tough work working under less terrible conditions. My parents spent their last savings to buy my wheel chair........not something they had ever imagined needing.
My dad died when I was 13 and after just 16 years of marriage, Sadie lost her only Love, despite attempts at CPR. My dad had a massive coronary and was gone in minutes, right before our eyes. That's another night I will never forget as long as I live. Sadie was left with 2 teenage sons, and after having not worked in 16 years, she had to give up nursing because of a heart condition, she now had to go back to work to support her sons.
My dad had no life insurance, there was a one time payment from the German government for war reparations, my father had been suing the Germans through a German attorney he had. When he died my mom couldn't read the letters which were in German and she ended up settling for a lot less than he would have gotten had he lived. But she needed what she could get to survive. We lived in the projects, and survivor benefits from Social Security were not enough to get by on. She went on food stamps and Medicaid and we got by. She got a job as a school aide so she could be around when me and my brother got out of school. She got a job as a camp nurse at camps for rich kids so that my brother and I could go to camp for the whole summer. She put us both through college and we got to pursue our dreams. Everything was about her 2 sons.
Which is why she deserved so much better than she got from my brother in the final years of her life. He didn't show up on her death bed! I carried so much anger about that and did as much as I could to make her feel so Loved, that she wouldn't feel bad that her oldest son didn't care.
But he had made her a grandma so he had lots of get out of jail free cards.
Six months after my father died, my mother's mother died.........it was a devastating time for Sadie, to lose her husband and mother in 6 months.
She never waivered.........she is the strongest woman I have ever known.
I am in awe of how she stepped up in the face of so much heartache and never complained, never made my brother or I feel insecure or worried about the future. Sadie did that! She was a selfless woman..............
Before I go any further, lest I give the impression that she was perfect, Saint Sadie, she could be a big pain in the ass and she was stubborn and wanted things done her way............I am a better cook than she was, and it was an exercise in patience trying to cook in her kitchen. You would have thought that I didn't know anything. She was very opinionated and I think in some way always needed someone to be mad at. She didn't speak to her sister for 17 years and neither one remembered why. When they finally made up, they were best friends.
Sadie was the mother who volunteered to go on all the class trips in elementary school. Looking back I was lucky to have a mother who took such active participation in my growing up, but then, as a kid, you didn't really want your mom there, because if you misbehaved, there she was.
It was the 50's/60's and my mother cooked dinner every night. We were expected to be at the table and never ate until my father got home from work. We'd sit at the window and watch for him to get off the bus. It was a much more innocent time back then and the beginning of the end of the traditional family unit as we knew it. I went away alone for the first time after high school at 18. I grew my first moustache, which Sadie informed me better be gone when I got home. I managed to keep it and that was my first time really defying Sadie. She cried when she found out I smoked pot, I was high and my mother was crying, what a bummer. She had rules and I was just learning how to break them. She threw me out at 22 and helped me move and decorate my new place. But it was her house, her rules! Sadie was a competent woman who could do a little plumbing, carpentry, painting, she took care of business. She was very talented with her hands and could knit and crochet, needlepoints, anything like that, she was the Queen! She could knit a baby sweater and hat in under 2 days. I have a number of afghans in my house all made by her as do a few friends who were lucky enough to get them as gifts from me. They are treasured keepsakes to all who have them. In her later years you would be hard pressed to see her without some knitting needles in her hand. If she was in front of the TV, she needed something to do with her hands. She used to knit for fancy Madison Ave. boutiques, they'd give her the yarn and instructions and she'd make the sweater. They'd pay her $75 and sell them for over $500............she was a prolific knitter. The last thing she was making, was a pair of socks for me...........there is only a small swatch done, but I have still it on the needles as she left it before she died. It is in the memory box I have on my wall as a tribute to her. There is one for my dad right next to it. They are the first thing you see as you enter my apt, it is important to me to keep their memories alive.
Sadie loved cruises and went on quite a few, by herself. She was fearless! When she got too sick to go alone, she tried to get me to go with her.........I was a grown man, I didn't want to go with my mother, what fun would that be. So she's in intensive care, the doctors tell me to get her affairs in order, this is probably it! So I hold my mother's hand and tell her, you get better, and I'll take you on that cruise, a promise I'm sure I will never have to keep. Well..........don't you know, 6 weeks later, she's home..........planning the cruise! Oh dear lord, how did I get myself into this. We went on a cruise that left from NY so I was able to get her electric wheelchair on the ship, so I didn't have to push her everywhere. I was able to stay up late and play a piano and drink Remy Martin, which was very cheap on the ship and I always drew an audience so there were plenty of free drinks......a nice perk of being a musician. Sadie was able to get up early and get around the ship on her own. It was a very liberating feeling for her since she had home care aides with her all the time and missed her independence. I could sleep late and we'd meet up later. She was able to come and go as she pleased. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and it made Sadie sooo happy. I am glad I was able to do that for her. On one formal night, we had our picture taken, she looked great and I was in my tux. It is a wonderful picture that hangs over my piano. I am so glad I took her on that cruise just for that picture. She looked so happy.......it's a moment I can hold onto forever.
So I hope you have some sense of who Sadie was..........how can you put 91 years of an amazing life in a few paragraphs. She loved helping people, was a natural born care giver, which is where I get it from. She was a mother who made choo-choo train cakes for birthdays and made many of her own clothes from remnants and patterns my father brought home from work. She knew her way around a sewing machine and it was a rude awakening, when she got too old to do my tailoring and I found out how expensive tailors are. I always just brought it to Sadie! She was a fiercely devoted wife and mother who travelled to different relatives to care for them if they became very ill. She cared for her sister-in-law when she got brain cancer and allowed her to die with some dignity at home by her unselfish care, treating her like a sister. She moved in with her nephew when his wife had quintuplets. She did love taking care of babies. She Loved her grand daughter and being a grandma. I didn't always see eye to eye with her, but I respected her always. In the last 10 years that I cared for her, we developed a very deep bond. She had dragged me to doctors and hospitals for years as a child, and now I was dragging her..........we were a team!
What a reversal of roles.........I became the parent in the end. But it was a natural circle of life and I honored her by caring for her with kindness, respect, admiration and all the Love I had to give. She was a big personality in a small body, and has left a hole in my life that will never be filled. I am so fortunate to have had her as my mother. I am the man I am today to a great extent because of her and how she brought me up.
I got to really know her in those final years because each big hospital stay was potentially the last, so I took the time to really talk to her and ask all the questions I could think to ask her, because once she was gone, all the answers would be as well. She cheated death for many years to the amazement of all her doctors........but they didn't know my mother! I always said that the grim reaper better come with reinforcements when he came for Sadie, because she was going kicking and screaming into the hereafter.
She fought death for weeks, but it was inevitable. She died peacefully in my arms. I had been by her bedside for all that time and went home to shower and feed the boys, hoping she wouldn't die while I was gone. I believe she waited for me because she passed shortly after I returned. After all we had been through together, it was only fitting that I be with her at the end. She died peacefully in my arms, I had just finished telling her it was OK to let go...............I watched as her breaths got shallower and slower, then there was no more, I waited to see just one more, but she was gone. I sat with her for a long time, not wanting to leave her, knowing I'd never see her again. Never touch her cheek or hold her hand.
I had prepared myself for that moment so many times before, there were so many almosts, 600 days in the hospital, over 60 emergency room visits.
I was there for every one of them! That was one of the worst days of my life. I was relieved that my mother was at peace, but she had been my purpose for 10 years, what was I going to do now! But I'm Sadie's son, so I picked myself up and transformed my life. Because that's what she would have done!
Happy Birthday Sadie...........I know you are celebrating with daddy and your family. I take great comfort in knowing this..........I know you are watching out for me and I couldn't have a better Guardian Angel. I wish you could have seen me this thin, but I know you have! I could feel you smiling, and saying, you have such a nice face, if you'd only shave that beard now. I still reach for the phone to call her when I have good or bad news.
I wish everyone could have known her, she was a wonderful woman and the best mother I could have ever had. And in the end, we even became good friends! I am truly Blessed! I miss her so!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Much To Tell............
I haven't posted in awhile and I have many things on my mind I'd like to share. First, let me start by saying that I feel amazing! I am settling into my new body and starting to feel like it's really me.
So, I am the emergency contact for a friend with MS. She fell and needed some staples in her head, so I was called. I went to the emergency room with her and visited the next couple of days. I was almost immediately transported back to taking care of my mom. Like a switch was turned on, I went into caregiver mode. I am glad I can be there for my friend and able to use a skill set that I have and am very good at. The point here, is that when I went to the hospital, I started wanting chocolate and when I left, thought about going home and eating something comforting and maybe not so good for me. I didn't............but I was a little shocked to see how it affected me. Every time I went to my mom in the hospital, I needed some chocolate to get me through............and serious comfort afterward. I did not succumb to old behavior patterns. Instead, I ate something healthy and went for a swim. But some old triggers are still there beneath the surface. I just need to be aware of them and not allow them to rule my choices.
This past weekend, I went down to Hollywood, Florida to see my oldest and dearest friend. He has been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and things have taken a turn for the worse. I thought I was going down to say goodbye, but he was doing better than I had anticipated. I understand things change quickly, but he was good for the weekend and I was able to get him out to have some fun. The weekend was so much more than I could have ever imagined, it was profound and filled with lessons for me and messages from the Universe.
It started on the flight down, I was sitting next to a lovely young lady from India who was a practicing Buddhist who chants. She was going to a convention of other Buddhists. We discussed Buddhism and philosophy and it was a delightful flight down because of her company. I used to chant almost 30 years ago and still have my Gohonzon. I have been entertaining starting chanting again, and I took this as a possible sign from the Universe that I should! She has invited me to a meeting so I will pursue the possibilities of adding this to my spiritual practice. The entire weekend seemed to just unfold before me...........I rented a Mustang convertible and the weather could not have been more perfect and I have the sunburn to prove it! I drove with the top down the whole time I was there. When I got to my friends house we went to dinner with some other friends I grew up with, some that I hadn't seen in 40 years. It was a wonderful evening! I had a room steps from the beach and I sat on the beach at midnight watching the stars and listening to the songs of the sea. I haven't been out of NYC in years and I can't believe how much I needed it and how much it did for me. I felt so relaxed when I was there and planned on taking it back to NY, which is what I did.
So I took my friend for a ride in my convertible, classic rock blasting from a great sound system, and it felt like 30 years ago, cruising around with my buddy........same music as back then. It's been that long since I got to hang out with my friend and an interesting thing happened. When we were together, I became in touch with a part of me that I was back then because of the dynamic of our relationship. I like this part of me and was happy to reconnect with it. I realized that it is something that I want to keep as part of who I am and it really came out now that we were together again. Rather than looking at the weekend as a goodbye, we had a great time. We had lunch on the intercoastal, sitting in the sun, having a great meal and watching the boats go by. I was expecting to have a sad weekend and leave with an emptiness, but instead, we made new memories that will endure. If this was the last time we are togther, then I will always remember that our last time together was fun, just like the old days. But I realize that I need to get out of the city every now and then, so I will make time to visit again and not make this trip the final time we will see each other.
Some of my friends, one in particular was trying to talk me into moving down...........I had an amazing weekend and it was certainly food for though. I've lived in NYC all my life and there are better ways to live out there with easier lifestyles. I'm not ready to move yet, but it is something I am giving some very serious thought. Perhaps the Universe is telling me that it's time to start thinking about where I want to live next.
Or maybe I'll just let the Universe guide me to my next stop.
I hit the beach first thing when I woke up everyday and the last thing I did at night. In the morning for my tan and at night for the insight. Sitting on the beach at night was so insightful. The sound of the waves on the shoreline spoke to me, the stars gave me their wisdom. I had not anticipated getting so much out of this weekend and I realize that I was meant to go for my own benefit. Funny how things work out like that. Because of my new perspective on life, I was able to give my friend some very positive energy and insight that he really appreciated. We always had a certain way together and my energy was a gift for him and a portal to many fond memories of growing up. We had done the great American road trip in 1978, driving cross country in his MGB/GT. Camping out most of the way, Pacific coast highway, Grand Canyon, so many places, and having the time of our lives. When you're with friends you know so long, who knew you before you became who you are now, with no pretenses, there is a certain natural acceptance and it is easy to be real with those friends. So it was such a nice weekend to be among old friends that it made me feel very whole and in touch with who I am.
I hadn't been to the beach in 25 years. I never liked the sun on my body when I was heavy. I hated the heat and since I hated my body, I didn't want to feel the sun on it........I was way too self conscious. Feeling the sun baking my body now felt soooo good. I actually for the first time, felt like I was thin. I could feel the heat on my body and my presence in the chair and I felt like, wow..........this is all there is of me. And it felt great!
Not to mention the fact that everyone couldn't stop telling me how good I looked. It almost got embarrassing, but I Love it!
I got so much insight into myself this weekend that I never imagined would happen. Much of the lessons I learned affirm the path I am on in my life. Getting away into a different environment made such a big difference in me. I was able to put things in a different perspective. I came home feeling more whole and more me than before. I see my life unfolding before me in a beautiful way. I have faith and trust that the journey I am on is where I am supposed to be. I keep marveling at how making a first step to lose some weight has turned into such a life transformation. I continue to grow everyday and feel stronger both physically and spiritually. I am in the best shape of my life and feel strong and grounded. I am getting more comfortable in my own skin daily and am in a wonderful place in my life. That doesn't mean everything is going perfectly, it just means that I have the personal tools necessary to navigate the uncertain waters that is my life.
What a whirlwind week it was...........but a very important week in terms of my personal growth. I had something I needed to let go of and I think I have finally turned the corner on being able to do it. I like who I am and who I am becoming.........what a beautiful place to be~
May you all Love yourselves deeply.............
Love & Light,
Marty
So, I am the emergency contact for a friend with MS. She fell and needed some staples in her head, so I was called. I went to the emergency room with her and visited the next couple of days. I was almost immediately transported back to taking care of my mom. Like a switch was turned on, I went into caregiver mode. I am glad I can be there for my friend and able to use a skill set that I have and am very good at. The point here, is that when I went to the hospital, I started wanting chocolate and when I left, thought about going home and eating something comforting and maybe not so good for me. I didn't............but I was a little shocked to see how it affected me. Every time I went to my mom in the hospital, I needed some chocolate to get me through............and serious comfort afterward. I did not succumb to old behavior patterns. Instead, I ate something healthy and went for a swim. But some old triggers are still there beneath the surface. I just need to be aware of them and not allow them to rule my choices.
This past weekend, I went down to Hollywood, Florida to see my oldest and dearest friend. He has been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and things have taken a turn for the worse. I thought I was going down to say goodbye, but he was doing better than I had anticipated. I understand things change quickly, but he was good for the weekend and I was able to get him out to have some fun. The weekend was so much more than I could have ever imagined, it was profound and filled with lessons for me and messages from the Universe.
It started on the flight down, I was sitting next to a lovely young lady from India who was a practicing Buddhist who chants. She was going to a convention of other Buddhists. We discussed Buddhism and philosophy and it was a delightful flight down because of her company. I used to chant almost 30 years ago and still have my Gohonzon. I have been entertaining starting chanting again, and I took this as a possible sign from the Universe that I should! She has invited me to a meeting so I will pursue the possibilities of adding this to my spiritual practice. The entire weekend seemed to just unfold before me...........I rented a Mustang convertible and the weather could not have been more perfect and I have the sunburn to prove it! I drove with the top down the whole time I was there. When I got to my friends house we went to dinner with some other friends I grew up with, some that I hadn't seen in 40 years. It was a wonderful evening! I had a room steps from the beach and I sat on the beach at midnight watching the stars and listening to the songs of the sea. I haven't been out of NYC in years and I can't believe how much I needed it and how much it did for me. I felt so relaxed when I was there and planned on taking it back to NY, which is what I did.
So I took my friend for a ride in my convertible, classic rock blasting from a great sound system, and it felt like 30 years ago, cruising around with my buddy........same music as back then. It's been that long since I got to hang out with my friend and an interesting thing happened. When we were together, I became in touch with a part of me that I was back then because of the dynamic of our relationship. I like this part of me and was happy to reconnect with it. I realized that it is something that I want to keep as part of who I am and it really came out now that we were together again. Rather than looking at the weekend as a goodbye, we had a great time. We had lunch on the intercoastal, sitting in the sun, having a great meal and watching the boats go by. I was expecting to have a sad weekend and leave with an emptiness, but instead, we made new memories that will endure. If this was the last time we are togther, then I will always remember that our last time together was fun, just like the old days. But I realize that I need to get out of the city every now and then, so I will make time to visit again and not make this trip the final time we will see each other.
Some of my friends, one in particular was trying to talk me into moving down...........I had an amazing weekend and it was certainly food for though. I've lived in NYC all my life and there are better ways to live out there with easier lifestyles. I'm not ready to move yet, but it is something I am giving some very serious thought. Perhaps the Universe is telling me that it's time to start thinking about where I want to live next.
Or maybe I'll just let the Universe guide me to my next stop.
I hit the beach first thing when I woke up everyday and the last thing I did at night. In the morning for my tan and at night for the insight. Sitting on the beach at night was so insightful. The sound of the waves on the shoreline spoke to me, the stars gave me their wisdom. I had not anticipated getting so much out of this weekend and I realize that I was meant to go for my own benefit. Funny how things work out like that. Because of my new perspective on life, I was able to give my friend some very positive energy and insight that he really appreciated. We always had a certain way together and my energy was a gift for him and a portal to many fond memories of growing up. We had done the great American road trip in 1978, driving cross country in his MGB/GT. Camping out most of the way, Pacific coast highway, Grand Canyon, so many places, and having the time of our lives. When you're with friends you know so long, who knew you before you became who you are now, with no pretenses, there is a certain natural acceptance and it is easy to be real with those friends. So it was such a nice weekend to be among old friends that it made me feel very whole and in touch with who I am.
I hadn't been to the beach in 25 years. I never liked the sun on my body when I was heavy. I hated the heat and since I hated my body, I didn't want to feel the sun on it........I was way too self conscious. Feeling the sun baking my body now felt soooo good. I actually for the first time, felt like I was thin. I could feel the heat on my body and my presence in the chair and I felt like, wow..........this is all there is of me. And it felt great!
Not to mention the fact that everyone couldn't stop telling me how good I looked. It almost got embarrassing, but I Love it!
I got so much insight into myself this weekend that I never imagined would happen. Much of the lessons I learned affirm the path I am on in my life. Getting away into a different environment made such a big difference in me. I was able to put things in a different perspective. I came home feeling more whole and more me than before. I see my life unfolding before me in a beautiful way. I have faith and trust that the journey I am on is where I am supposed to be. I keep marveling at how making a first step to lose some weight has turned into such a life transformation. I continue to grow everyday and feel stronger both physically and spiritually. I am in the best shape of my life and feel strong and grounded. I am getting more comfortable in my own skin daily and am in a wonderful place in my life. That doesn't mean everything is going perfectly, it just means that I have the personal tools necessary to navigate the uncertain waters that is my life.
What a whirlwind week it was...........but a very important week in terms of my personal growth. I had something I needed to let go of and I think I have finally turned the corner on being able to do it. I like who I am and who I am becoming.........what a beautiful place to be~
May you all Love yourselves deeply.............
Love & Light,
Marty
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Reality Check
So I ordered some clothes online since I need some new threads. I got a couple of jean jackets, pea coat and a shirt. All XL, what I thought I wear.
Everything was way too big........it all has to go back. I wear a L now...........
I don't think I ever wore a plain L except maybe in jr high school. I don't even know how to react to this. Now that I have a new body, I don't want to hide it under baggy clothes. I look in the mirror and don't think I look that thin, but I guess I'm smaller than I think.
But my body is not where I want it to be yet, so it's not time to start getting lazy and resting on my laurels. So..........today I took a 1hr. cardio blast class and right after that I took a 1hr. dance fusion class. It kicked my ass!!! But the trainers all told me I had good flexibility and was able to keep up with the class and so all the dance moves. I didn't think I was doing that well.......but the positive reinforcement was nice and it did give me an idea of where I'm at in terms of my overall physical condition. I was also the only guy in both classes.............they all thought I was so brave. After the classes, I hit the pool and swam my obligatory 1 mile. An almost 3 hour workout and although I was a little sore, I felt great. I keep amazing myself at how much I can do and how much more I think I have in me. The sky's the limit............I keep asking my body for a little more and it gives it to me. I am in better shape and better condition than I have ever been in my life........period! Who woulda thunk it? At 57, I'm in the best shape of my life and getting better everyday! And I will continue until I have the body I really want and am as healthy as I can possibly be. And then, I'll just work hard to maintain it for the rest of my life. All this and I do have a torn ACL in my right knee, arthritis in my left knee, and sciatica. But I don't let any of it stop me from doing what I want to do, except maybe for running. I avoid that!
I spoke to an old friend who has weight challenges! She told me that my blog was very inspiring to her and she was using me as an example and a catalyst for her to take the first steps necessary for her own transformation. She decided it was time to stop sitting on the sidelines and not living life, just observing..........a spectator. She has decided to do what is necessary to start living her life again and doing the things that make her happy and fulfilled. That's what it's all about..............reclaiming your life! CHOOSE LIFE!!!!! It's also far better than the alternatives!
So I need to actually go to the store and try on clothing so I know what size I really wear now..........maybe then I can go back to the internet bargains. But I need to try things on.............it will be a reality check for sure. A good one!!
If you are struggling with you weight, hang in there......don't give up! Believe in yourself and that you are much stronger than you think you are.
If you put your mind to it, and want it badly enough, you can do it!!
I'd be happy to talk to anyone who needs advice or just a little encouragement. Please feel free to email me and I will get back to you!
musecatnyc@gmail.com
Love and Light on your journeys.........
Marty
Everything was way too big........it all has to go back. I wear a L now...........
I don't think I ever wore a plain L except maybe in jr high school. I don't even know how to react to this. Now that I have a new body, I don't want to hide it under baggy clothes. I look in the mirror and don't think I look that thin, but I guess I'm smaller than I think.
But my body is not where I want it to be yet, so it's not time to start getting lazy and resting on my laurels. So..........today I took a 1hr. cardio blast class and right after that I took a 1hr. dance fusion class. It kicked my ass!!! But the trainers all told me I had good flexibility and was able to keep up with the class and so all the dance moves. I didn't think I was doing that well.......but the positive reinforcement was nice and it did give me an idea of where I'm at in terms of my overall physical condition. I was also the only guy in both classes.............they all thought I was so brave. After the classes, I hit the pool and swam my obligatory 1 mile. An almost 3 hour workout and although I was a little sore, I felt great. I keep amazing myself at how much I can do and how much more I think I have in me. The sky's the limit............I keep asking my body for a little more and it gives it to me. I am in better shape and better condition than I have ever been in my life........period! Who woulda thunk it? At 57, I'm in the best shape of my life and getting better everyday! And I will continue until I have the body I really want and am as healthy as I can possibly be. And then, I'll just work hard to maintain it for the rest of my life. All this and I do have a torn ACL in my right knee, arthritis in my left knee, and sciatica. But I don't let any of it stop me from doing what I want to do, except maybe for running. I avoid that!
I spoke to an old friend who has weight challenges! She told me that my blog was very inspiring to her and she was using me as an example and a catalyst for her to take the first steps necessary for her own transformation. She decided it was time to stop sitting on the sidelines and not living life, just observing..........a spectator. She has decided to do what is necessary to start living her life again and doing the things that make her happy and fulfilled. That's what it's all about..............reclaiming your life! CHOOSE LIFE!!!!! It's also far better than the alternatives!
So I need to actually go to the store and try on clothing so I know what size I really wear now..........maybe then I can go back to the internet bargains. But I need to try things on.............it will be a reality check for sure. A good one!!
If you are struggling with you weight, hang in there......don't give up! Believe in yourself and that you are much stronger than you think you are.
If you put your mind to it, and want it badly enough, you can do it!!
I'd be happy to talk to anyone who needs advice or just a little encouragement. Please feel free to email me and I will get back to you!
musecatnyc@gmail.com
Love and Light on your journeys.........
Marty
Friday, October 1, 2010
And so it goes..........
What a day I had................it was a very rough day emotionally! The old Marty would have immediately drowned his feelings in a mountain of food. I had no desire to eat anything...........I still find it strange that I have changed in this way! Grateful, but I'm not sure what I did that brought this change about. Oh yeah! Like maybe Everything Marty! I suppose that it could be a result of all the internal work I've done. But it still surprises me! Instead of eating myself into oblivion, I went to the pool and tore up the water. I was not feeling strong physically today and I was going to blow the workout off. But then, when the shit went down, all I wanted to do was hit the water. I was still upset when I got home, but I was thinking more clearly!
So after this rather awful day............or I suppose I could put a different spin on it. Today I faced some unpleasant realities that really shook me. But it was a big wake up call to me! I guess I must have needed it! So the Universe kicked me in the ass, and I guess I should ultimately be grateful. To face the truth and move on! So it might sting for a minute, but I'll be fine and I won't do anything self destructive.
So as I was saying, after this enlightening day, I received a letter from a friend I had shared my story with. She is in need of a lifestyle makeover and I was happy to share my experience with her. She sent me the following letter:
So after this rather awful day............or I suppose I could put a different spin on it. Today I faced some unpleasant realities that really shook me. But it was a big wake up call to me! I guess I must have needed it! So the Universe kicked me in the ass, and I guess I should ultimately be grateful. To face the truth and move on! So it might sting for a minute, but I'll be fine and I won't do anything self destructive.
So as I was saying, after this enlightening day, I received a letter from a friend I had shared my story with. She is in need of a lifestyle makeover and I was happy to share my experience with her. She sent me the following letter:
"I have to tell you again how much our dinner conversation has reverberated with me since last weekend. Everything from the process/journey to starting w/ just one meal if I have to.
Time and time again this week I've heard your voice. Saw cookies and for a sec I said they're on sale, so its OK. Then I hear Marty say, "You can either make a good choice or a bad choice." Over and over again this week - its become my new mantra.
I'm beginning to feel that I can do this - one day at a time. And that its a total lifestyle change. So thank you again."
Time and time again this week I've heard your voice. Saw cookies and for a sec I said they're on sale, so its OK. Then I hear Marty say, "You can either make a good choice or a bad choice." Over and over again this week - its become my new mantra.
I'm beginning to feel that I can do this - one day at a time. And that its a total lifestyle change. So thank you again."
I was blown away that I had such an affect on my friend. It brought home to me how important this blog might be. If I just touch one or two people who decide to make a change in their lives because of my story, it was absolutely worth it! I am truly humbled by this! It came at the right time!
I have to say that I do seem to be becoming addicted to the gym and pool, but I don't know if that's a bad thing. I suppose if it interferes with me getting things done, then it is, but if it just makes me stronger and healthier, maybe not such a bad thing! Maybe I'm becoming addicted to the endorphins! I can live with that!
So I am settling into my new lifestyle and figuring out what I need to do to maintain my current weight. I am building lean muscle mass and displacing fat so that will have some impact on how things develop. But I am very pleased with my progress and understand that it will take some time to build the body I want. But it's the journey so bring it on!
I am stacking weights, swimming 6-10 miles/week, taking some Yoga, mat Pilates, dance classes and a little spinning. I'm trying to engage every part of my body and become intimate with how it moves. It has been an amazing adventure as I find myself moving in ways that I never imagined myself moving. I love exploring my own personal limits and seeing that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined. I am a Magnificent Beast!
So I wish you all well on your personal journeys............
Love & Light,
Marty
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Story For Another Time
I briefly mentioned that I was handicapped as a child and didn't give too many details, citing it as a story for another time. Well, this seems like an appropriate enough other time. I was diagnosed with Polio and Perthes disease at a little over 3 years old. I had already had 3 Polio shots and got the disease out of season. Very unusual to be sure............I also had Perthes disease, which affects the hip bone. The ball degenerates causing instability and pain. It is a rare disease and nobody had both together so I was a very interesting subject for the doctors who came in what seemed like droves to examine me. I didn't know what to make of it all, I was too young. I spent over a year and a half in the hospital for chronic diseases. Most kids there didn't get many visitors or too often. The hospital was in a far out part of Brooklyn and when you're in long term, it's an institutional mentality. Thank God for Sadie, my mother, the woman I took care of for 10 years, because of what she taught me in those early years. Sadie missed one day of visiting me in all that time. She was too sick to take the 4 buses each way it took to get there and home where she still had my father and brother to take care of. Yes she was a Saint. I had a meltdown at 4 years old the day she didn't come. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.......it's still a little traumatic to think about and how vividly I remember it.
This brings me to a point I'd like to make. I always thought that I had no real emotional or psychological affects from my rather interesting childhood. But in delving deep into my inner being as part of my life transformation, I have discovered that this is not completely the case.
I never liked being taken care of as a child and once I was able to take care of myself, I did. I have never looked for women to take care of me in relationships, on the contrary, I have always been with women that I could take care of. Which has led me into some very lopsided relationships. I had never really considered the connection to my early years before. When I took care of my mom, I didn't do it out of obligation but respect and gratitude for what she had done for me in such a Loving way. She taught me how you're supposed to take care of a Loved one, and I did! I paid her back for all those days in the hospital with interest. I used to tell her that all the years she cared for me were like a savings account and now she got to cash it in when she needed it. I am truly Blessed that I was able to be there for my mother to make her final years as stress free as possible and for her to know how much she was Loved. I never ended a phone conversation or a personal visit without telling her I Loved her!
No matter what happened, I'd know that the last thing I told her was that I Loved her! But I digress................
It was recently pointed out to me by a very smart friend who I had a relationship with years ago. We were talking about how I was feeling a lot of separation anxiety due to the conclusion of a fairly long term project. She pointed out to me that I had displayed a tendency toward separation anxiety in our relationship and I realized I had done it in other relationships as well. I am very quick to forgive, because I am afraid of losing people. She associated it with my mother leaving me every night in the hospital as I had to watch my mommy leave me everyday. And I thought back to the one day she didn't show up and my meltdown. What a revelation to realize after so many years that some of the behavior patterns that affected my relationships with women, were due to what I had gone through as a child in the hospital. I also have to give some thought to what effect losing my father at 13 had in contributing to my separation anxiety issues. I'm sure quite a bit. Knowing this is an empowering thing, but now............what do I do with it to make some changes in my behavior moving forward. It's a process as I uncover things about myself and then find ways to use that knowledge to improve myself and my life. It's a journey...................
There is no medical reason why I have no physical abnormalities associated with my childhood diseases. My parents were told I'd never walk properly, and probably not without some kind of assistance. Why my legs are now perfectly equal and my foot size as well. If you believe in miracles, then I had one. If you don't, I had one anyhow! I recently met the first person I've ever known who also had Perthes disease. He recently had a hip replacement because even though the bone regenerates, it never comes back properly so most people who had it, have hip replacements by their 50's. I have displayed no signs of hip problems to date. It was interesting comparing notes on the type of hardware we wore as kids. It was a huge, heavy and cumbersome brace we both wore. I felt less alone!
I also know someone who had Polio as a child and he is suffering from Post Polio Syndrome, which I also have displayed no sings of. For years after I was healed, I had trouble seeing other handicapped people, because I felt strange about why I was OK. Why me? I felt a little guilty!
I still have those feelings sometimes...........why me? But why is not really important. Only what I do to make the most out of the wonderful opportunities I have been Blessed with.
I remember going to visit my grandmother on Sundays, we'd take the bus to Coney Island where she lived. We'd walk down a long block and across the street where my grandmother would be sitting on her porch. I was always pushed in my wheelchair. But I remember having a recurring dream as a child..........of walking down that block on my own 2 feet and crossing that street and running to hug my grandma. It was a dream that did in fact become reality. Did I manifest my own reality? Did I cause my own healing? Did I see a glimpse into the future? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer to these questions, but it gives me food for contemplation as I realize the interconnectedness of everything in life. And I wonder, if I healed myself before, can I do it again, with far less serious problems than before? Perhaps in losing the weight, making the changes and writing this blog, I have begun to heal my life already! Perhaps someone else decides to heal their own life because of what I write here. I have been told that I would make a good energy healer. The idea has always resonated with me and just maybe, I have been brought to this place in my life to pursue that path. We shall see................
I appreciate the opportunity to share my story................as I've said before, what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds has turned into a life transformation, much deeper than I ever could have imagined. And the journey has just begun...................
Blessed Be,
Marty
This brings me to a point I'd like to make. I always thought that I had no real emotional or psychological affects from my rather interesting childhood. But in delving deep into my inner being as part of my life transformation, I have discovered that this is not completely the case.
I never liked being taken care of as a child and once I was able to take care of myself, I did. I have never looked for women to take care of me in relationships, on the contrary, I have always been with women that I could take care of. Which has led me into some very lopsided relationships. I had never really considered the connection to my early years before. When I took care of my mom, I didn't do it out of obligation but respect and gratitude for what she had done for me in such a Loving way. She taught me how you're supposed to take care of a Loved one, and I did! I paid her back for all those days in the hospital with interest. I used to tell her that all the years she cared for me were like a savings account and now she got to cash it in when she needed it. I am truly Blessed that I was able to be there for my mother to make her final years as stress free as possible and for her to know how much she was Loved. I never ended a phone conversation or a personal visit without telling her I Loved her!
No matter what happened, I'd know that the last thing I told her was that I Loved her! But I digress................
It was recently pointed out to me by a very smart friend who I had a relationship with years ago. We were talking about how I was feeling a lot of separation anxiety due to the conclusion of a fairly long term project. She pointed out to me that I had displayed a tendency toward separation anxiety in our relationship and I realized I had done it in other relationships as well. I am very quick to forgive, because I am afraid of losing people. She associated it with my mother leaving me every night in the hospital as I had to watch my mommy leave me everyday. And I thought back to the one day she didn't show up and my meltdown. What a revelation to realize after so many years that some of the behavior patterns that affected my relationships with women, were due to what I had gone through as a child in the hospital. I also have to give some thought to what effect losing my father at 13 had in contributing to my separation anxiety issues. I'm sure quite a bit. Knowing this is an empowering thing, but now............what do I do with it to make some changes in my behavior moving forward. It's a process as I uncover things about myself and then find ways to use that knowledge to improve myself and my life. It's a journey...................
There is no medical reason why I have no physical abnormalities associated with my childhood diseases. My parents were told I'd never walk properly, and probably not without some kind of assistance. Why my legs are now perfectly equal and my foot size as well. If you believe in miracles, then I had one. If you don't, I had one anyhow! I recently met the first person I've ever known who also had Perthes disease. He recently had a hip replacement because even though the bone regenerates, it never comes back properly so most people who had it, have hip replacements by their 50's. I have displayed no signs of hip problems to date. It was interesting comparing notes on the type of hardware we wore as kids. It was a huge, heavy and cumbersome brace we both wore. I felt less alone!
I also know someone who had Polio as a child and he is suffering from Post Polio Syndrome, which I also have displayed no sings of. For years after I was healed, I had trouble seeing other handicapped people, because I felt strange about why I was OK. Why me? I felt a little guilty!
I still have those feelings sometimes...........why me? But why is not really important. Only what I do to make the most out of the wonderful opportunities I have been Blessed with.
I remember going to visit my grandmother on Sundays, we'd take the bus to Coney Island where she lived. We'd walk down a long block and across the street where my grandmother would be sitting on her porch. I was always pushed in my wheelchair. But I remember having a recurring dream as a child..........of walking down that block on my own 2 feet and crossing that street and running to hug my grandma. It was a dream that did in fact become reality. Did I manifest my own reality? Did I cause my own healing? Did I see a glimpse into the future? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer to these questions, but it gives me food for contemplation as I realize the interconnectedness of everything in life. And I wonder, if I healed myself before, can I do it again, with far less serious problems than before? Perhaps in losing the weight, making the changes and writing this blog, I have begun to heal my life already! Perhaps someone else decides to heal their own life because of what I write here. I have been told that I would make a good energy healer. The idea has always resonated with me and just maybe, I have been brought to this place in my life to pursue that path. We shall see................
I appreciate the opportunity to share my story................as I've said before, what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds has turned into a life transformation, much deeper than I ever could have imagined. And the journey has just begun...................
Blessed Be,
Marty
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Time To Reflect
I have basically settled into what is more or less the weight I think I will stay at. I might go down to 190 to see what it's all about. But I do feel comfortable at 200 and not to puny. I think it's going to be more about what I do in the gym than anything else from here on out. I need to build some lean muscle mass and get rid of the excess fat and hopefully tighten up the body. I also want to be flexible and in good aerobic condition. It's about getting in the best physical condition I possibly can for the rest of my life. I deserve nothing less than the best I have to give and I expect nothing less than that from myself. I can't tell myself I can't do something, I left that excuse behind 115 pounds ago. I am actually enjoying pushing my physical limits and seeing how far I can go. I've got a lot more in me than I ever thought I did, especially at my age. I also have to say that I have had no cardiac symptoms in all of the time I have been working out. I haven't taken a Nitro Glycerin in close to 2 years. Actually I had one brief episode that took me to my doctor, it turned out to be an electrolyte imbalance, I started drinking Gatorade and that was the end of it. When I decided to embark on this journey, I went to my cardiologist and told him I was going to lose 100 pounds and do a triathlon. He told me if I passed a nuclear stress test, I had his blessings.
Well you know I passed that sucker and the rest is history. I lost the weight and have been training for the triathlon but am shooting for something in 2011. That will give me enough time to get into proper shape to make it respectable. My knees are not good so running is still questionable but if I want it badly enough, I can walk the run segment. We'll see.............There's always the swim around Manhattan. Easier on the knees! I tweaked my knee last week and it reminded me how unstable that torn ACL can be. It likes to be treated gently!
I see my doctor on Monday and expect to cut out 1 or 2 more meds, leaving me down to only a couple. I can live with that.........unless I find some effective natural alternatives that my MD agrees with. Getting off as many meds as possible was always a primary goal in losing the weight.
It has been a time to reflect deeply within myself.........the Universe has given me an incredible opportunity to examine myself and make long lasting changes. I have some things going on in my life that pose some interesting challenges to me. My first instinct is to react in the way I usually would, but I'm not that person anymore. Before, I would have stuffed my face and numbed the situation with food. I no longer even have those desires. I don't know what happened to the emotional eating that I suffered with all my life, but it's Gone, just gone! So now that I'm not going to anesthetize myself with food, I can actually stay in the moment with my feelings and decide how I want to react. My emotions tell me to react one way, but I am at a place where I don't need to react out of pain or fear, I can wait and meditate on things, I can decide what is the best way to react for me, the way that moves me forward in a positive way toward the person I want to be. The choice is mine to make, what an empowering place to be............which means, that my happiness is all up to me. But then who else should it be up to! Ultimately, I am responsible for everything in my life, because it is up to me how I react to everything that happens. That might mean letting go of some old behavior patterns that no longer serve me, and honestly, never did! I do have to say, that I like the person I'm becoming.
I find myself being much more thoughtful about things lately, I don't know if that is such a good thing since I usually think too much to begin with. But I hope that my thoughts are positive and flowing in a direction that leads me forward on my journey. I have to say that I am in a period of personal growth the likes of which I have never experienced before in my life. I feel very fortunate that I have gotten to this place. I pray that I can continue to challenge myself to be the best I can and always just a little better than yesterday. I do hope that some of you reading this will get as much out of it as I have gotten out of writing it. I've gotten much more than I ever thought I would. The inner changes happen slower than the outer ones. But it has always been about the journey and not the destination. The weight loss, while a short term goal, was only about the greater goal, a healthy and happy life, and so the journey continues.......................
I now find myself needing a whole new wardrobe, anyone have an uncle in the shmata business??? I could use a family discount! Now that I've won, where's my cash and prizes? Johnny, tell him what he's won!!!
He's won the right to live his life...........the biggest prize of all!
Love & Light,
Marty
Well you know I passed that sucker and the rest is history. I lost the weight and have been training for the triathlon but am shooting for something in 2011. That will give me enough time to get into proper shape to make it respectable. My knees are not good so running is still questionable but if I want it badly enough, I can walk the run segment. We'll see.............There's always the swim around Manhattan. Easier on the knees! I tweaked my knee last week and it reminded me how unstable that torn ACL can be. It likes to be treated gently!
I see my doctor on Monday and expect to cut out 1 or 2 more meds, leaving me down to only a couple. I can live with that.........unless I find some effective natural alternatives that my MD agrees with. Getting off as many meds as possible was always a primary goal in losing the weight.
It has been a time to reflect deeply within myself.........the Universe has given me an incredible opportunity to examine myself and make long lasting changes. I have some things going on in my life that pose some interesting challenges to me. My first instinct is to react in the way I usually would, but I'm not that person anymore. Before, I would have stuffed my face and numbed the situation with food. I no longer even have those desires. I don't know what happened to the emotional eating that I suffered with all my life, but it's Gone, just gone! So now that I'm not going to anesthetize myself with food, I can actually stay in the moment with my feelings and decide how I want to react. My emotions tell me to react one way, but I am at a place where I don't need to react out of pain or fear, I can wait and meditate on things, I can decide what is the best way to react for me, the way that moves me forward in a positive way toward the person I want to be. The choice is mine to make, what an empowering place to be............which means, that my happiness is all up to me. But then who else should it be up to! Ultimately, I am responsible for everything in my life, because it is up to me how I react to everything that happens. That might mean letting go of some old behavior patterns that no longer serve me, and honestly, never did! I do have to say, that I like the person I'm becoming.
I find myself being much more thoughtful about things lately, I don't know if that is such a good thing since I usually think too much to begin with. But I hope that my thoughts are positive and flowing in a direction that leads me forward on my journey. I have to say that I am in a period of personal growth the likes of which I have never experienced before in my life. I feel very fortunate that I have gotten to this place. I pray that I can continue to challenge myself to be the best I can and always just a little better than yesterday. I do hope that some of you reading this will get as much out of it as I have gotten out of writing it. I've gotten much more than I ever thought I would. The inner changes happen slower than the outer ones. But it has always been about the journey and not the destination. The weight loss, while a short term goal, was only about the greater goal, a healthy and happy life, and so the journey continues.......................
I now find myself needing a whole new wardrobe, anyone have an uncle in the shmata business??? I could use a family discount! Now that I've won, where's my cash and prizes? Johnny, tell him what he's won!!!
He's won the right to live his life...........the biggest prize of all!
Love & Light,
Marty
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)