More Musings

It has occurred to me that there is so much more to losing weight than merely getting thin.  You have to get to the core of why you were heavy in the first place and then do some serious inner work to insure that you don't fall back into the same old patterns.  It requires you to reprogram your inner computer and change the inner dialogue that permeates our thoughts.  It makes dieting look simple!  Unless you are willing to do the inner work along with the physical work, success will be much harder to achieve.

My inner picture of myself is not what I see in the mirror.  In my mind's eye, I still see the old me.  When I'm talking to someone, I think they are seeing fat Marty, still.  It seems to take a longer time for your brain's image of yourself to catch up to the image in the mirror.  I expected to be filled with self confidence once I was "thin".  That hasn't quite been the case.  It didn't just flow into me once the weight came off, it more like trickled into me as I become more comfortable in my own skin.  I have learned that self confidence and self esteem aren't perks of being thin, it's a strength that comes from within, not because of how you look, but who you are.  So there is much work still to do.  The weight loss was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of changing my life.  It was a necessary first step to becoming the person I strive to be and the first steps on a journey to me!  I continue to learn and grow everyday and am amazed at how far I've come and how far I still have to go. 

I should mention a little bit about health, since I haven't really touched much upon it and it is an integral part of why I did this in the first place.
While looking good was a motivating factor in losing weight, my health was a primary cause.  I have 5 cardiac stents, was on 14 meds, have bad knees, back pain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol........you get the drift.  I hated the meds, the side effects were robbing me of what little life I had.  I knew if I could lose the weight, I could get off most of the meds, ease the back pain and knee pain, and in general have more energy.  I felt like such an old man, barely able to walk to the corner because of the pain in my lower back.  I had no energy to do anything and didn't see anything but more of the same down the road. I thought, who will ever Love a fat guy with health problems and never wants to do anything, a real catch.  I felt worthless and unlovable!  Not much to look forward to.........death by corned beef sure was looking pretty good.  I felt like such a failure, knowing that I had the power to change things, and feeling so impotent to do anything or even really caring.  Because if I cared, I'd do something.........right?  But I couldn't, I was STUCK!

I am grateful that I no longer feel that way.............I am vital and alive and happy to be that way!  My health is better than it's been in 30 years!  I'm in better shape than I was in when I did the triathlon in 1984.  I continue to push my limits and challenge myself to be as strong and healthy as I possibly can.  Being physical has become a very important part of my life and daily routine.  I know it is a way of life for me moving forward.  I couldn't have imagined, in the depths of my self loathing, that I could feel as good as I do.  I'm amazed everyday at how good my body feels and what a positive direction my life is going in.  I no longer dwell on the negatives but show gratitude for the positives in my life.  I have my share of bad days and reminders of old patterns, rearing their ugly little heads from time to time.  I am better at recognizing them for what they are and not succumbing to them.  I instead, use them to grow and not allow myself to get sucked into their temptation.  I'm a work in progress..........I just hope to be a little better today, than I was yesterday.

I thought being over 300 pounds was like a big suit of armor, my protection from the outside world.  I suppose it was, because it isolated me from the world for sure.........protection, I don't think so!  I realize now that my suit of armor was a self imposed prison, that kept me from fully experiencing life.  From Living!  I was just dying slowly, not living at all! 
I face the world now, without any armor, no need for protection, because I am strong enough to handle whatever I might encounter.  Accomplishing my goal also has given me a new sense of personal strength, knowing that I have what it takes inside to do whatever I need to do!  I have weathered the storm by learning how to dance in the rain!

I found that some kind of spiritual practice, while not necessary, for me was an essential element in my transformation and success.  I have been studying the world's great religions and philosophers and seers, trying to glean those aspects from them that will form the basis for my own personal beliefs.  The core of them all appears to be Love!  To Love ourselves, to Love our fellow travelers who are all just trying to find their own meaning of life, to have gratitude for the many Blessings that we experience in our daily lives.  And after all, Love was what motivated me to take the first step to reclaiming my life!

So what started out as an attempt to lose 100 pounds, has turned into a lifestyle change and the decision to take a different path than the one I was on before.  I look forward with anticipation and wonder at where the road leads next~


Light & Blessings,
Marty